Saturday, January 27, 2007

Why You Should Cheer for the Colts and an Open Plea to Jerry Jones

The Karma Police are Coming for You, Chicago

Way to stay classy, Chicago. Look, I know every city has their fair share of idiot fans, but these guys have to take the cake, don't they? I just hope they'll be able to drive their shaggin' wagon down to Miami (where I hear the beer flows like wine) in time for the big game. Wouldn't you love to sit between these two while they serenade you with a stirring rendition of "Mockingbird"? Heck, you might be able to hitch a ride home with the Hawaiian Tropic bikini team. Seriously, this pair needs their own reality show. Now.

Hire This Guy, Jerry. I Dare You

I'm not one to beg. And I'm certainly not one to initiate a dialogue with Jerry Jones. But I'm willing to bend the rules during desperate times. And trust me, I'm desperate now. On behalf of all fans of the Houston Texans, Jerry, I'm begging you to hire Wade Phillips. I've seen the perplexed look on his face in crunch time. I've witnessed his hard-core devotion to 9-7 football.

Phillips says, "I'm going to go on my record," and I think you should do the same. As an owner who has presided over a decade of mediocrity, you won't find anyone more in line with maintaining the status quo. In his 5 years as a head coach, Bum's son delivered a 48-39 record to go along with an 0-3 mark in the postseason. Hard to resist those numbers, isn't it?

Look, Jerry, I'll be honest with you. Two years ago I said the Houston Texans would win a Super Bowl before your Cowboys. A brazen statement, to be sure, but I dutifully stood by my beliefs. Then, as I witnessed Dallas assemble what appeared to be a championship-caliber team, my faith began to wane. And it looked bleaker, still, after last April's draft day debacle.

But now you possess the power to completely resurrect my conviction. So do the right thing, Jerry. Hire Wade. And then this 4th of July, we can sit back arm-and-arm and enjoy the T.O. fireworks, together. Quite frankly, your cosmetically-altered cat-face aside, I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

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