The Clutch City Chronicles

Coming Soon...

2007-04-23T22:50:00.000-06:00

Tuesday morning, you can read my running diary from Game 2 of the Rockets-Jazz series at the Houston Press website. And on Friday, I'll release my final mock draft. Check 'em out and let me know what you think.

J.C.F.

NBA Playoff Preview

2007-04-21T19:48:00.000-06:00

The NBA playoffs are finally underway, so you know I had to break out the crystal ball and speculate on what we're about to see. Check out my analysis and let me know what you think. Also dropped a couple of columns on the upcoming NFL draft as well.

By the way, I'm sure you have figured this out by now, but 99% of my writing these days is appearing on the Houston Press website. So if you're looking for new material, that's where you'll find three or four new columns each week.

Thanks for reading!

J.C.F.

Miss a week, miss a lot

2007-04-12T10:18:00.000-06:00

Well, not really, but the quality is good, I promise. Earlier this week, I unveiled my trade scenarios involving Tracy McGrady. And around 1 PM (CST) today you'll be able to peruse my preview of the 2007 Texans' season (on the Houston Press website, of course). For what it's worth, my editor thought it was funny. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

J.C.F.

Double Your Pleasure Friday!

2007-04-05T18:54:00.000-06:00

Hot off the (Houston) presses this Good Friday: Two columns for the price of one! The first dishes on the UFC's Houston debut, while the second asks whether or not it's time for the Rockets to deal Tracy McGrady. Check the Houston Press website Friday morning to read and sound off. Have a great Easter weekend, everyone and thanks for reading.

J.C.F.

MLB and NCAA Predictions

2007-04-02T12:27:00.000-06:00

Well, folks, I guess it was inevitable. Today, I brought my Miss Cleo act to the unsuspecting readers of the Houston Press. The subject matter: The just-underway MLB season and, of course, tonight's NCAA championship game. Check it out and let me know what you think.

J.C.F.

Phi Slama Jama: 24 years later

2007-03-30T11:36:00.000-06:00

Since it's Final Four weekend, I decided to take a painful stroll down memory lane and write about the best team to never win a college basketball title. Check it out, let me know what you think and feel free to pass along your own excruciating sports memories. Have a great weekend, everyone. Thanks for reading.

J.C.F.

Mockin' It Up

2007-03-29T15:53:00.000-06:00

Mock Draft version 4.0 is now available bug-free and fully operational. For the first time, trades are part of the equation and the results are pretty wacky, but my no means implausible. Check it out at the Houston Press website. Cheers!

J.C.F.

What's New and What's to Come

2007-03-26T19:46:00.000-06:00

Just in case you're wondering, I hate Kansas. Passionately. But it's my own dumb fault. I knew better than to trust them. Anyway, my weekend wrap will be available at the Houston Press website Tuesday morning. Thanks to all those who posted comments over the weekend. Also, look for Mock Draft version 4.0 Wednesday. You've been warned!

J.C.F.

This Better Work

2007-03-22T15:52:00.000-06:00

There's a New #8 in Town

Well, you know I had to sound off on the Texans' big trade. You can read my response on the Houston Press website here. Obviously, David Carr had to go. But it's a damn shame things didn't work out with him here in H-Town. He was always a stand-up guy and he took FAR more heat than he ever deserved. Seems so long ago that this city was in love with the guy when he became the franchise cornerstone. Hell, I wore his jersey proudly for years. I just hope he ends up with a team like Detroit, where he'd have a shot at success with Mike Martz and company, as opposed to a "Welcome to hell" franchise like Oakland. By the way, this paragraph was brought to you by Tiffany and her heartbreaking rendition of "Could've Been".

As for tonight's NCAA games, I think the chalk will continue to thrive, with one exception: Texas A&M is going to knock off the Tigers from Memphis. But is that even an upset at this point? Considering Memphis may be without its best player, I say no. Looking ahead to tomorrow's tilts, I'll take Georgetown, Florida, UNLV and... man, I want to pick USC, I really do. But I have to stick with my bracket. So Tar Heels survive in a squeaker.

J.C.F.

Update

2007-03-20T22:52:00.000-06:00

For those of you wondering where I've been, fear not, everything is just peachy and I'm not going anywhere. Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I'm now sports blogging for the Houston Press and my initial offering should be up Wednesday morning. I cordially invite you to check it out (frequently) here. There are three of us posting, so there should be some interesting back and forth and I'd love for you guys (and girls) to jump in and sound off. As for my beloved Clutch City Chronicles, I fully expect it to stay operational and active as well.

As always, thanks for reading!

J.C.F.

Wow!

2007-03-14T22:09:00.000-06:00

From Any Angle, Steve Nash is Still the MVP

I really hope everyone stayed up late and watched the Dallas-Phoenix instant classic. I'd be willing to bet the house that no game in the NCAA tournament will come close to matching the drama in this one. A few quick hits on the Suns 129-127 double OT win:

The biggest development of this game was Dirk Nowitzki's disappearing act that began in the final minutes of regulation and continued throughout both overtime periods. First, Dirk went one of two from the line twice in the game's final minutes. Then, he proceeded to do his best Karl Malone crunch-time impression the rest of the way. Coming on the heels of last June's choke job, this has to be a major concern for Mavs' fans. Yes, Dirk is the team's best player. But in the clutch, Jason Terry is their go-to guy. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Can we go ahead and just hand Steve Nash the MVP trohpy? 10 points in the final 55 seconds of regulation? 32 points, 16 assists and 8 boards? Hitting the game-tying trey? Throw in the fact that the Suns are winless without Nash in the line-up and you've got all the ingredients necessary for a third straight most valuable player award.

I don't think this game means much, if anything, come playoff time. Both teams are who we thought they were. The real key is the race to claim the West's #1 seed. As much as I love Phoenix, I really question whether or not they have the depth to beat both San Antonio and Dallas in seven game series. And if they can't overtake the Mavs (they're currently 2 1/2 games back), that's their path to the title.

How great is it to see Amare Stoudemire back to 100%? Six months ago, I wondered whether NBA fans were going to be robbed of seeing this force of nature fully develop, due to his seemingly slow recovery from microfracture surgery. And while he still has a way to go in fulfilling his potential, he's back to being one of the most dynamic players to watch on a daily basis.

Classic game from Shawn Marion. Made a ton of little plays like the rebound and subsequent pass leading to Nash's game-tying three, as well as superior defense on Dirk in overtime. Marion has a tendency to be a shrinking violet come playoff time, so no doubt Phoenix is praying this is the Matrix that shows up in May and June.

I Hate My Bracket

2007-03-14T11:44:00.000-06:00

If you read Monday's column, you already know my braketology theory. If you didn't, here's all you need to know: Knowledge and expertise don't mean jack. Now having said that, I like to think I'm fairly competent when it comes time to fill out my bracket. Have I ever won an office pool? No. But I usually finish in the top ten and I've correctly picked the tournament champion five out of the last seven years. That has to count for something, right?

But this year, I'm utterly clueless. In fact, I thoroughly despise my bracket. I've got plenty of upsets and (what I believe to be) a fairly solid Final Four, so that's good. But too many people like the teams I'm backing and my predicted national champion leaves me feeling about as confident as Peyton Manning on Prom night (speaking of which, can you believe this guy is married?!? It's true, check it out. I'm telling you, this has shaken my world to the very core). But hey, since knowledge is decidedly NOT power during March Madness, perhaps my relative unease is a good thing. Anyway, on with the picks:

Sweet 16

Florida: duh
Davidson: I told you I went with some underdogs
Winthrop: See above. Although Notre Dame and Oregon are good enough to reach the Elite 8
Georgia Tech: Does anyone trust Wisconsin right now?
Kansas: But watch out for Scottie Reynolds and Villanova as a possible stumbling block in round 2
Virginia Tech: These guys are FUN to watch
Duke: I know, I know. I hate this pick and they're terrible this year. But NO ONE thinks they'll even win one game. So I'm gonna play the contrarian and take them. Just please, whatever you do, don't take Pitt past the Sweet 16. They're NOT good. Trust me. One other thing: beware picking against teams who have been taking a beating from critics this week. Everyone is knocking Arkansas, Stanford and Illinois for receiving invites and everyone thinks Duke is a one and done. But I'm here to tell you, at least one of these teams is going to make some noise this weekend.
UCLA: Pretty much a lock to reach the Elite 8
North Carolina: #1 seeds are generally locks to make the Sweet 16
Texas: Here comes Kevin Durant
Oral Roberts: Hey, they beat Kansas this year
Georgetown: I've already stated my man-crush for this team
Ohio State: Could get tested in round two, but will prevail
Tennessee: Not an easy pick. First round game against Long Beach State will be an absolute shoot-out and could be one of the most entertaining games of the weekend
Texas A&M: Acie Law IV is ready
Memphis: No one knows what to expect from these guys

Elite 8

Florida: Ho hum
Winthop: I'm crazy, I know. But you've got to have a Cinderella somewhere
Kansas: I can't tell you how tempted I was to put Virginia Tech here
UCLA: Easy path, so far
North Carolina: Sorry, this is where the Kevin Durant show ends. Don't be surprised if Rick Barnes takes a lot of heat for this loss because the 'Horns coughed up another big lead thanks to his complete lack of creativity when it comes to getting KD the ball down the stretch in tight games
Georgetown: I used to HATE the Hoyas. My, how times have changed
Ohio State: No way Durant AND Oden both bow out in the round of 16
Texas A&M: "... I'm steppin' tall, y'all and just like Humpty Dumpty, you're gonna fall when the stereos pump me..."

Final Four (You know these already, so I'll just post them again and move on)

Florida
Kansas (Gulp)
Georgetown
Texas A&M

Championship Game

Kansas (what am I thinking!??!?!) vs. Georgetown

Ok, so... on Monday I explained my problem with Florida. Best starting five in the land with the highest ceiling. I just think they're due for a clunker at some point and Kansas is one of the few teams that can actually match up with them. Of course, the Jayhawks gag more often than the Olsen twins, so it wouldn't surprise me at all to see them eliminated before April rolls around. But once upon a time, the Gators wore the choker label, too, so I guess these curses have to be broken sometime.

As for the Aggies, there's just no way two Big 12 teams are going to face off for the title. And let's face it, this is Texas A&M for Pete's sake. The Aggies can't just stroll into the college basketball spotlight and steal a national title. Take a look at the list of NCAA men's champions and tell me when a non-traditional college basketball school last won the whole enchilada. It just doesn't happen. Yes, Billy Gillispie has A&M pointed in the right direction. But they're not ready just yet.

National Champ

Kansas 75 - Georgetown 72

Like I said, I hate my bracket.

Paying Homage to the 'Hoff

2007-03-12T20:14:00.000-06:00

Who Else Could Pull This Off but the 'Hoff, Himself?

Love him or hate him, you gotta respect the 'Hoff. I mean, who else in the history of mankind has done more with less? Somehow, the guy managed to parlay slightly above average looks (ummm, so I've been told) with minimal acting and singing skills into an extraordinarily successful career in TV and music. You don't know how he did it, and it sure doesn't seem fair, but you can't argue with the results.

And that, my friends, is why David Hasselhoff is my patron saint of March Madness. Look, I don't consider myself a college basketball expert. Odds are, I'm probably just like you. I don't really start paying close attention to college hoops until football season is over. I check out the box scores, watch bits and pieces of certain games during the week and then start cranking it up when the conference tournaments rolls around. But that's the beautiful thing about filling out a bracket; none of that information really helps you, anyway. That's why the office secretary who's more interested in a peanut buster parfait than a bracket buster walks away with the cash every year. So who cares about skill and expertise? It never got in the way of the 'Hoff. And it shouldn't be a roadblock for you either.

So with Mr. Baywatch as our guide, there's no reason to go into intricate detail of each and every match-up. Instead, I'll provide a few helpful dos and don'ts, as well as my own personal Final Four.

DON'T place too much stock into what happened last year: Last season, not a single #1 seed made it to the Final Four. There's a reason that's never happened before. It was a fluke occurrence made possible by the near absence of truly elite teams. Outside of Connecticut, no club really possessed a roster that struck fear in the hearts of opponents. And while Florida, North Carolina, Kansas and Ohio State won't all make the trip to Atlanta, I guarantee at least one (and probably two) will be there.

DO believe in the power of Kevin Durant. I imagine I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but there's no way KD will allow his team to fall short of the Sweet 16. Yes, the Longhorns play matador defense and, yes, you'll want to strangle Rick Barnes for his strategy at times, but the NCAA wants its marquee player to showcase his stuff for a couple games at least, and I have no doubt Durant will happily oblige them.

DON'T use "up" as a suffix anymore. It was bad enough when the Red Sox turned the term "cowboy-up" into a national phenomenon in 2004. Now, similar words are being coined on a seemingly daily basis. In the last 24 hours alone, I've heard "orange-up", "bracket-up" and "lawyer-up". Seriously, people, this has got to stop. It's just as annoying, unoriginal and ubiquitous as the whole "first letter of first name, first three letters of last name" nickname craze (like A-Rod, K-Rod, F-Rod, etc.). Are we that devoid of creative ideas that this is what we're left with? I refuse to believe it. So from now on, let's make an effort to vocab-up and figure out a better way to express ourselves.

DO feel free to laugh at the Knicks for handing Isiah Thomas a multi-year contract extension. I know this has nothing to do with March Madness, but I had to work it in somehow. I just love the fact Knicks' brass thinks a 29-34 record in the pathetic Eastern Conference is a sign of "evident progress". Has the bar been lowered that far in the Big Apple? Sure, New York is better this year, but how hard is it to improve upon the 23 win season of a year ago? I hate the Knicks, yet even I feel sorry for the fans who are now destined to live in basketball purgatory for a few more years (at least). Actually, check that. I don't feel sorry for them at all. As far as I'm concerned, this is what they deserve for cheering on Pat Riley, Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley, John Starks and Anthony Mason when the Knicks' version of thugball nearly brought the NBA to its knees. Losers.

DON'T believe in a Florida repeat. There will obviously be many who disagree with me. I don't blame them. When the Gators are playing their best ball, NOBODY can beat them. And certainly, this past weekend saw them round into form much the same way they did at this time last year. But something's not quite right in the Swamp. Some will brush it aside saying they've just been a little bit bored waiting for the "real" games to begin. Maybe so. But I think there's something larger at work here. The Gators are vulnerable. And someone is going to unseat the champs.

DO believe in Acie Law IV. This guy is lugging around stones the size of Dick Vitale's mouth these days (Awful mix of imagery, I know. My bad). If you're playing against the Aggies, you better pray he doesn't have the ball in his hands with a chance to win. Because if he does, you're going home. Plus, he looks more like Humpty Hump than even Scottie Pippen does. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

He's Spunky and Likes His Oatmeal Lumpy

Fearless Final Four Forecast:

Florida: Yes, they're going down, but not before they reach Atlanta. No team in their region has what it takes to knock off the champs.

Georgetown: I've been on their bandwagon for awhile and it pains me to see so many others hopping on after their impressive showing at the Big East Tourney. That's not a good sign. But they have tons of size, experience and big game players. Plus, they play great defense and do a fabulous job of dictating tempo. In the bracket's toughest region, the Hoyas are my pick to survive.

Texas A&M: All the things I just wrote about Georgetown are also true of the Aggies. Plus, I think they match up very well with Ohio State (the South region's #1 seed).

Kansas: Two teams from the Big 12? Hey, nobody's more frightened than I am with this pick. Not only would it be wild to see a pair of Big 12 clubs in the Final Four, but the Jayhawks are notorious for choking when the stakes are raised. Yet, they've got as much talent as anyone and, yes, I think they're the team to take out the big, bad Gators.

As for the champ? That answer comes later this week. Until then, peace, love and Humptiness forever.

Thursday's Newsmakers

2007-03-08T16:57:00.000-06:00

Some reading before we get to the day's big news:

Have to start with this unbelievable story. I never thought the Houston astronaut tale would be topped, much less bested, within a matter of weeks. This is just too good to be true.

On a more serious note, John Hollinger explains the logic behind ranking Bill Russell 7th on his all-time NBA centers ballot. I would never put Boston's big man that low, but he does make some good points. For what it's worth, here's my top ten:

Wilt Chamberlain
Kareem Abdul Jabar
Bill Russell
Shaq
Hakeem Olajuwon
Moses Malone
George Mikan
Bill Walton
David Robinson
Patrick Ewing

Big story of the day is Willis McGahee's move to Baltimore. Funny, I remember being crestfallen when Willis blew out his knee in the Fiesta Bowl because I thought he's be perfect in the Texans' backfield (Houston had the 3rd overall pick in the draft that year). Of course, he's largely underachieved in his professional career thus far and his surly attitude has rubbed pretty much everyone the wrong way, which is exactly why Buffalo couldn't wait to get rid of him. By the way, this is exactly why I had the Bills taking Marshawn Lynch in the draft. Looks pretty good right now.

Can't blame Baltimore for bringing him in, McGahee is certainly a huge upgrade over the now-departed Jamal Lewis. And I suspect his fellow Hurricanes (Ed Reed and Ray Lewis) will keep in line, at least for the first year. Good move for the Ravens, when you consider this team is built to win NOW and the cost was two third rounders and a seventh. Of course, it won't mean anything until the Baltimore offense can finally put more than ten points on the board consistently. Steve McNair is D-O-N-E, so you know what that means. That's right, the Ravens ultimately will still live and die with the development of Kyle Boller. Good luck with that, Baltimore.

As for the aforementioned Jamal Lewis, I hear people saying this precludes them from taking Adrian Peterson at the three spot. Ummm, why? Again, there's nothing wrong with a two-back system, especially when Jamal Lewis has two good years left AT THE MOST. To me, this is exactly the same as the Texans signing Ahman Green. It helps to shore up a position of need for one year, two at the max. Which means that position is still fair game come draft day. That's why you ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS either take the best player available, or do your best to trade down.

How Much Do Texans Love Vince?

2007-03-07T16:57:00.000-06:00

"Brokeback Badminton On the Moon"

I think this brilliant picture says it all. It comes courtesy of Hornfans.com poster, "Theo Huxtable" who used MS Paint to express his own personal man-crush on Vince Young. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I'm not sure I ever fully appreciated that worn-out axiom until I saw this timeless work of art. Well done, Theo. Well done.

Today's Links

2007-03-07T12:51:00.000-06:00

A couple links to help you get through your humpday:

Dwight Howard is a freak. If you need further proof, check out his "kiss the rim" dunk from All-Star weekend. Some of the local sports guys here in Houston say they'd never even consider trading Yao Ming for Howard. Truth is, neither the Rockets or Magic would make that deal. But, as much as I like Yao, I'd take Howard in a heartbeat. His ceiling is practically limitless and Yao (like every other plodding big man before him) looks like he might be battling injuries from here on out.

And for those of you who can't watch "The Naked Gun" ever again solely because of O.J. Simpson's mere presence, you'll want to check out this story. It's like the guy is a pro wrestling heel now. He knows the world not only hates him, but will always hate him, so he's just going to feed the beast from now until the bitter end. Which can't come soon enough, by the way.

Shaking Things Up (Mock Draft Version 3.0)

2007-03-06T19:38:00.000-06:00

Just a few things to address before we get to the new mock draft:

If you haven't already done so, make sure you check out the Peyton Manning link on this page. Still haven't confirmed whether or not this story is actually true, but if it is, we've just witnessed another fascinating chapter in the life and times of Mr. PeePee.

For you fans of the UFC, please watch this disturbing interview with Chuck Liddell. It reaches its climax at the 1:30 mark. Hopefully, he was hopped up on drugs and not turning into Muhammed Ali right before our eyes. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for one of the fasting growing sports, that's for sure.

And finally, I have to rip today's big free agent signing. Let's see, the Miami Dolphins boast an aging, past-its-prime defense so... naturally, they go out and sign an aging, past-his-prime player. And as if that's not enough, $20 million of that contract is guaranteed! Look, I like Joey Porter as a player. But, to me, this ranks right up there with the Leonard Davis signing as 2007's worst move. All I know is the Dolphins better be a force this year because, come 2008, their entire defense might be signing up for AARP.

Okay, enough foreplay. It's time once again to play everybody's favorite guessing game, Mock Draft 2007 (Version 3.0)!

+ -- underclassman

1. Oakland Raiders (2-14)
+ Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Last week, I promised a shake-up at the top so it shouldn't come as a surprise to see Calvin Johnson's name here. For one, he's the best player available and teams have known that since the start. It's just that stud quarterbacks are a rare breed, so there's more value placed on that position. But here's the question you have to ask yourself if you're Oakland's GM (and you should thank God every night that you're not): Is there a franchise QB available in this draft? Brady Quinn's stock is already dropping because of his question marks and the more scouts inspect JaMarcus Russell's body of work (not to mention his body, period), I think doubts will surface there, too. So look for Oakland to dump Randy Moss and replace him with a younger, stronger, just as freakish specimen without the baggage and with a better attitude.

You're #1, CJ. Welcome to Hell

2. Detroit Lions (3-13)
Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

Would Detroit really pass on Russell and stick with Jon Kitna for the time being? Hard to believe, but I say yes. Rod Marinelli is old school and knows that the game is won in the trenches, so Thomas is the pick. Of course, the Lions could be fielding a million trade offers if this scenario takes place, so don't be surprised if Detroit decides to trade down a couple spots.

3. Cleveland Browns (4-12)
+ JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU

No way Russell drops out of the top three. Cleveland gets its man and can finally ditch the Charlie Frye experiment once and for all.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12)
Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville

I'm pretty sure the Bucs would be heartbroken if this scenario unfolds (missing out on both Thomas and Johnson). In fact, I think Gruden and company might be so despondent that they momentarily lose their marbles and decide to draft Brady Quinn in an attempt to become the first NFL franchise to field a roster composed of nothing but quarterbacks. Think of the possibilities: "Rattay snaps to Simms, he hands off to Quinn, who gives the ball to Plummer on an end around but wait... now Plummer is throwing the ball all the way across the field to Gradkowski, who heaves a long bomb down the field to Garcia for a touchdown!!!". But instead, Tampa takes the boring way out and chooses my personal favorite, Amobi Okoye. I really want him on my team. And, yes, I know this is much earlier than most experts have him pegged, but his stock has been climbing since day one of the Senior Bowl workouts.

5. Arizona Cardinals (5-11)
+ Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

Why would Arizona take Peterson when they already have so much money invested in Edgerrin James? Well, in case you hadn't noticed, the two back system is alive and well in the NFL. Plus, Edge isn't exactly a spring chicken these days. Anyway, I just don't see Peterson falling out of the top five and remember, this could be a prime trade down area, too. One word of warning about AP: I heard a rumor that x-rays from the combine revealed his collarbone has not healed properly. If this is true, Texans' fans might get their wish and see Peterson slide toward the bottom half of the top ten.

6. Washington Redskins (5-11)
+ Gaines Adams, DE, Georgia

'Skins need help getting to the quarterback and Adams is the best pass rusher in the draft. I'm starting to feel pretty confident about this one.

7. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

Here's where things start to get very interesting. On the one hand, Minnesota invested a second-rounder in QB, Tavaris Jackson, just last year. But he sure didn't look ready to play at the end of the 2006 season. In reality, I think the Vikes will sign a Trent Green or trade for a David Carr rendering this mock pick moot. But until that happens, I'm giving them the not-so-mighty Quinn.

8. Houston Texans (6-10)
LaRon Landry, S, LSU

Before I address Landry, I should mention that Quinn to the Texans is starting to look more and more likely. David Carr is done in Houston. There's not a doubt in my mind. That day might not come for a couple of months, but mark my words, Carr will not be around come training camp. So if Quinn does fall in their laps, I just don't see how the Texans can pass on him. I'm not sure how I would feel about that. Not good, I'm guessing. On a related note, last year's draft day debacle just looks worse with every passing day, doesn't it? I said at the time that it could set this franchise back a decade and it still looks that way. Good gravy.

As for Landry, I know most teams don't like spending top ten picks on the safety position, but look what guys like Ed Reed, Troy Polamalu and Bob Sanders have meant to their teams. Landry is a playmaker in that mold and would fill a major need for Houston.

Come Join Our Decade of Mediocrity, LaRon!

9. Miami Dolphins (6-10)
Levi Brown, OT, Penn State

Speaking of filling a need, the Dolphins have to do something about that travesty they call an offensive line. I think Brown is a major reach here and I don't believe he's worth a top ten pick, but I also don't give Miami's front office much credit these days (see my Joey Porter rant above).

10. Atlanta (7-9)
+ Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas

I think the Falcons have their eyes on Ted Ginn and LaRon Landry here. But after losing Patrick Kerney to the Seahawks, it's time to shore up that defensive end spot, especially since John Abraham is an injury waiting to happen.

11. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
+ Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC

The 49ers' strategy is very clear at this point. They're building their defense through free agency, which means we can expect them to take care of the offense via the draft. I'm putting Jarrett here for now, but he HAS to run a decent 40 time during his private workout later this month. Otherwise, he'll be watching his stock go down faster than Jenna Jameson.

12. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
+ Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal

Looks like Buffalo is desperate to rid itself of Mr. Humility, Willis McGahee. So assuming they do that, Lynch would be the perfect replacement.

13. St. Louis Rams (8-8)
Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska

At some point, the Rams have to find some playmakers (outside of Leonard Little) on the defensive side of the ball. Perhaps Carriker can fill the void created when fellow Cornhusker, Grant Wistrom, took his kamikaze act to the Pacific Northwest.

14. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
Alan Branch, DT, Michigan

This is much lower than Branch is projected, but rumors that he's lazy and takes plays off just won't go away. If he does fall here, John Fox would be more than happy to give him a home in Carolina next to Julius Peppers and Co.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
Patrick Willis, ILB, Ole Miss

Lose Joey Porter, then replace him with the hands-down, best linebacker in the draft. Steeler fans must sleep well at night knowing their front office always finds players, no matter where the club is drafting. I wonder how that feels?

16. Green Bay Packers (8-8)
+ Ted Ginn Jr., WR, Ohio State

Well, the Packers obviously need a running back to replace Ahman Green (trust me, Cheeseheads, you don't want to hitch your wagon to Vernand Morency), but there's no RB worth taking here. So why not put a stop to those silly Randy Moss rumors and take the human lightning bolt, known as Ted Ginn Jr.?

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8)
Leon Hall, CB, Michigan

I'm really not sold on Hall's credentials as a first round talent, but it's a weak CB crop and he's considered the best of the bunch. If the Jags don't take him, he's sure to go...

18. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
Chris Houston, CB, Arkansas

... to the Bengals, who are desperate for secondary help. With Hall off the board, they take this year's Workout Warrior Award winner, Chris Houston. He ran a 4.32 in the 40 and ripped off 27 reps in the bench press part of the program. How does this relate to his football acumen? It doesn't, really, but someone will fall in those with those numbers and take him a little higher than he probably deserves.

19. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
+ Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina

Man, PacMan is such a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he is doing his best to negate all of the postive Vince Young karma. His off-field antics mean the Titans really need to start seriously considering DBs in the first round. But with the loss of Drew Bennett, Tennessee has to get VY some help at the wideout position. I say Rice is their man.

20. New York Giants (8-8)
+ Darrell Revis, CB, Pittsburgh

The Giants' secondary is a mess and it's time to retool. Revis would be a solid start.

21. Denver Broncos (9-7)
+ Charles Johnson, DE, Georgia

Broncos are another team that really needs help when it comes to pressuring the QB. Johnson's stock seems to be slipping a bit, but he can help fill a need.

22. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)
+ Reggie Nelson, S, Florida

Well, I'm finally giving the Cowboys the guy they truly covet. I hope it doesn't happen. But I'm feeling weak tonight, so here you go, Dallas. Too bad it won't matter as long as you have Wade roaming the sidelines.

23. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)
+ Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee

It's about time the Chiefs do something about their glaring need at WR. Why is it that great tight ends like Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates have thus far been cursed to play on teams with pathetic wide receivers?

24. New England Patriots (from Seattle)
Ben Grubbs, OG, Auburn

Grubbs is steadily moving up the draft board and New England loves to load up along the offensive and defensive lines. Perfect fit.

25. New York Jets (10-6)
Aaron Ross, CB, Texas

Gotta figure Mangini is perfectly happy to continue re-tooling his defense.

26. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
+ Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida State

Timmons didn't exactly light up the combine the way I expected, but I still think defensive coordinator Jimmy Johnson would love to add him to his endless array of blitz packages.

27. New Orleans Saints (10-6)
Deymeion Hughes, CB, Cal

I'm very tempted to put Dwayne Bowe's name here. Local kid, who would help ease the pain of releasing another local guy, Joe Horn. But the Saints have to get better on the defensive side of the football (especially in the secondary) and Hughes is the best DB available. Yes, his combine times were slow, but he's better than the incumbent, Fred Thomas. Then again, I'm better than Fred Thomas, so I guess that's not saying much.

28. New England Patriots (12-4)
Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State

Another possible landing spot for Bowe, but I'm guessing the Pats won't go WR in the first round after already spending a number two for Wes Welker. Instead, New England nabs the prototypical Patriot, Posluszny. The fit is almost too perfect.

29. Baltimore Ravens (13-3)
+ Jarvis Moss, DE/OLB, Florida

Lose Adalius Thomas, draft another hybrid freak, Jarvis Moss. The Steelers, Patriots and Ravens just know how to land on their feet. It really is astounding.

30. San Diego Chargers (14-2)
Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU

Bowe finally comes off the board and, if he's here, the Chargers should be positively giddy. I think he might end up as the second best WR in his class (behind Calvin Johnson, of course).

31. Chicago Bears (13-3)
+ Greg Olsen, TE, Miami

Bears' fans have been desperate for a true pass-catching tight end, so I'll throw them a bone. Olsen lit up the combine, solidifying his status as the draft's top TE. Can those numbers translate on the field? Chicago will be perfectly happy to find out.

32. Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
Anthony Spencer, DE/OLB, Purdue

Another Indianapolis 'tweener. Hey, it worked for them this year, didn't it? Thought about giving them Anthony Gonzalez as a guy to play the Brandon Stokely role, but do you spend a first round pick on a player you intend to use as a number three receiver? Probably not. Besides, Indy's title defense depends on its, well... defense. So Spencer, it is.

Mr. PeePee's Super Bowl Victory Tour Rolls On

2007-03-06T13:26:00.000-06:00

Super Bowl or Sweet 16, Mr. PeePee Always Delivers the Goods

As, promised, a new and improved mock draft is on the way later this evening. But in the meantime, please treat yourself to this delicious dish. You won't be disappointed.

Monday Musings

2007-03-05T18:50:00.000-06:00

Wow, you know it's been an incredible sports weekend when I don't even have time to address Britney Spears' attempt to convince the world she's the Antichrist. Trust me, it hurts me more than it hurts you. So let's get down to business before I change my mind and start hypothesizing why the Britster might actually be telling us the truth.

Actually, I have one more twisted tidbit for you before getting serious. Today, Forbes.com released its list of of the top general managers in North American professional sports. Forget, if you can, the ridiculous fact that Kevin McHale tops the list, Cat Face (AKA Jerry Jones) is #13 and Oakland's baseball wizard, Billie Beane, doesn't show up until #26. No, the true travesty is Isiah Thomas appearing at #82, which is better than the superb Ozzie Newsome and Bryan Colangelo (among others). Something tells me the person who created the formula for this list probably had something to do with the Texans' draft day debacle.

Who's the Real Antichrist? Britney or This Guy?

Speaking of football, the NFL's annual free agent frenzy is upon us once again. Want to know why Cat Face isn't the 13th best GM in all the land? His Cowboys just forked over nearly fifty million dollars to fifty million pound O-Lineman, Leonard Davis. Let's think about this one logically, shall we? The Arizona Cardinals have fielded one of the league's worst O-lines for years. Davis has been the face of that woeful, underachieving unit ever since the Cards invested the number two overall pick on him six years ago. Do you really think Arizona would have happily waved goodbye to the former Longhorn if they held out any hope that his career could be salvaged? And is a giant contract really the best way to motivate Davis in the future? This is not going to end well, Cowboy fans. Of course, that was a done deal as soon as Cat Face named Wade Phillips his new head coach. Good job, Jerry.

Meanwhile, the beat goes on in New England. The Pats nabbed superfreak, Adalius Thomas, for a (relatively) paltry 5 year, 35 million dollar bargain. Throw in the newly acquired, do-it-all, Wes Welker and New England's pair of first round picks in the upcoming draft and you've got yet another reason why the Patriots remain pro football's model franchise and the odds-on favorite to take home another title in 2008.

Another move I liked: Travis Henry to the Broncos. He's a tough runner with a chip on his shoulder who should thrive in Denver's one-cut, zone-blocking scheme. Funny how someone who had almost completely fallen off the fantasy radar screen can quickly vault toward 2nd round status thanks to a solid year and a trade to the right team.

And how about the Bears? In a 24 hour span, Lance Briggs demands to be traded and Thomas Jones actually gets dealt to the Jets. Don't look now, but Chicago is shaping up to be a major player come draft day. Not only are they now the proud owners of picks 31 and 37 (thanks to the Jones deal), but I could definitely see Briggs becoming part of a draft day deal as well. Yes, there is a great deal of risk that comes with losing two guys who played such integral roles in the team's success a year ago, but if the Bears play their cards right, they may be sitting very pretty a couple months from now.

As for the Texans, their big move so far was the signing of Ahman Green. The money is a bit high (4 years, $23 million), but let's face it, this is only going to end up being a two year deal. There's no question the former Packer is better than anyone else in the Texans' backfield and, if he can stay healthy, should be capable of posting 1,200 yards and 8 touchdowns. And to those who fear this might preclude Houston from taking Adrian Peterson, fear not. First of all, AP is not going to last until pick number eight. Secondly, with all the success teams have had utilizing a two-back system, do you really think the Texans would be stupid enough to pass on Peterson simply because they just signed 30 year old Ahman Green? On second thought, don't answer that.

Hey, speaking of the draft, my latest mock will arrives tomorrow. You've been warned.

Before we move to basketball, I wanted to spark a little debate. Recently, a friend asked me to rank my top ten NFL quarterbacks of all time. Here's my list (plus one). What does yours look like?

1. Joe Montana
Hated this guy when he played, but I have to respect him. Yes, he shared the field with great players and great teams. But you can't deny his ability to come through in the biggest games and the biggest situations.

Love or Hate Him, Joe's the Best

2. John Elway
Quite possibly the best physical tools we've ever seen at the position. Moved into the top 3 thanks to ending with two super bowls. Yes, he elevated lesser teams to Super Bowl status, but he also played in the weaker conference (didn't have to go through the 'Niners, Bears, Giants, Redskins and Cowboys every year). Therefore, I have to give Montana the nod.

3. Brett Favre
Can't argue with three MVPs, but has only one title and benefits from the media's man-crush on him.

4. Dan Marino
Probably deserves to be top 2 or 3, esepcially since he actually orchestrated more comebacks than Elway. Unfortunately, he never had a running game or defense, so with no titles, I can't justify slotting him above the others. Again, played in the weaker AFC, so only one SB appearance is tough to overlook.

5. Tom Brady
Really saw his greatness this year in his ability to lead a rather mediocre NE team within an eyelash of the SB. Pretty much a Montana clone and he clearly makes those around him better (see: Gaffney, Jabar). Plus, has a great shot to move up the SB title list in the next few years and, of course, move up this list as well.

6. Peyton Manning
Another guy who can obviously move up this list since he's only little more than halfway through his career. Can't put him ahead of Brady, though, because he only has the one title and he didn't exactly set the world on fire in this year's playoffs, outside of the second half of the NE game. Figures to have a great shot at top 3 status by the time everything is all said and done.

7. Johnny Unitas
The original Colt superstar QB. Of course, I never saw him play a snap (I'm not that old, so hold the snarky remarks), so this is based more on what I've read in the history books than anything else.

8. Terry Bradshaw
Only saw the twilight of his career to it's tough for me to judge him fairly. Played in a different era, so stats are tough to judge, too. Still, gotta love those 4 titles. Just wish he hadn't bared his wrinkled rear in that horrid movie with Kathy Bates.

9. Steve Young
Too bad we didn't get to see him come out of Montana's shadow until so late in his career. Doesn't help that concussions caused him to call it quits early, too.

10. Roger Staubach
Pretty much between Troy Aikman and Roger here. Had to go with the Midshipman because I think he was more of a leader than the great #8. If you're choosing best Cowboy QB ever, I think most would pick Staubach, and I agree with them.

11. Troy Aikman
See above.

As for Dan Fouts, Warren Moon and Jim Kelly: They put up huge numbers in pass friendly systems. All were great QB's, but I would never choose them over anyone in the top 11. Moon never even made it to a conference championship game and Fouts only did it once. Meanwhile, Kelly was the QB for a superior Bills' team whose fortunes were changed forever by a great gameplan courtesy of Bill Parcells and Scott Norwood's tough-luck miss.

Alright, a couple of basketball blurbs before I ride off into the sunset:

Kevin Durant HAS to win national player of the year. If anyone else takes home the hardware, college basketball might as well cancel the season and start taking tips from the NHL and pro wrestling on how to stay relevant and legitimate in the new millennium.
While we're on the subject of KD, it's worth nothing that Durant says his ankle will be okay for the Big 12 tournament. That's all fine and good, but I'm still wondering whether or not Texas (and Durant) might benefit from an early exit, just to make sure KD is good to go when the real tournament rolls around.
One final note on Durant: Remember when I said the Longhorns' March Madness journey is destined to end prematurely because of Texas' strange inability to get him the ball in crunch time? Well, check out what Bill Simmons had to say about this last Friday (scroll down to point three of his Texas-Texas A&M breakdown). I wouldn't go so far as to say Rick Barnes is a crappy coach, but you have to wonder why the 'Horns fall victim to this problem again and again.

Just Give Him the Damn Ball and Get Out of the Way, Rick.

In the NBA today, Yao Ming returned, but the Rockets lost (again). As I said last week, it's going to take time for Houston to adjust to Yao's presence. But with the way Dallas, Phoenix and San Antonio are playing, it just doesn't look like it's going to matter.

Speaking of comebacks that won't alter the O'Brien trophy's ultimate destination, Dwyane Wade says he's going to put off surgery in an attempt to return to the court in time for the playoffs. Don't get me wrong, I admire the sentiment, especially since Miami's title window appears to be closing at the speed of light. But let's not kid ourselves. Wade's kamikaze style does not mesh with his recently damaged wing. There's just no way he'll be able to withstand the punishment sure to be inflicted in the postseason.

And finally, Ron Artest is in trouble again. I really couldn't care less about Ron-Ron, at this point. But I'm sad to see the great fans in Sacramento get screwed over like this. It seems like just yesterday, Arco was rockin' as their Kings boasted the NBA's most exciting team. Now, they're relegated to putting up with Artest's antics, not to mention a mediocre and starless style of ball and one has to wonder just how long California's capital will be able to hold onto its lone pro franchise.

Thanks, Jake

2007-03-02T16:40:00.000-06:00

The Many Faces of Jakie-Poo. The Common Theme? Behind Each One Lies a Crappy Quarterback

I gotta tell you, I've never been a big fan of Jake Plummer. Call me crazy, but I just don't like hair-brained QBs who divide their teams and fans due to a lethal combination of tantalizing potential mixed with an uncanny knack for screwing up at the most inopportune of times. So when the Jake Plummer to the Texans rumors started circulating back in November, I felt as if I'd just been forced to look at tubgirl.com for 8 straight hours (if you've seen it, then you know what I mean. And if you haven't, whatever you do, do not try to find it. No really, I'm serious. I'm begging you. DON'T DO IT. Your life will never be the same. OK, fine. Just don't say I didn't warn you). I mean, really? This was what the Texans needed? After five years of David Carr disappointment, our solution was signing Jake Plummer? We went from having the opportunity to pick Vince Young to trading for Jake the Snake in the span of 12 months? Was this franchise hoping to play every home game in an empty Reliant Stadium (not the worst idea, actually, considering the caliber of football on display during most autumn Sundays)?

But today, Jakie-Poo took a step toward endearing himself to Texans' fans forever. On the verge of being traded to Tampa Bay, Plummer has seemingly decided to call it quits. Now, there is one caveat that must be added here: This could very well be Jake's way of taking matters into his own hands and ensuring that he'll be able to slither right up to Gary Kubiak and put on a Houston uniform after all. In which case, I can pretty much resign myself to writing more nasty columns about the Texans' suckitude for the next year or so. Good times.

In other news, wide receiver Ashley Lelie reportedly spent the day in H-town while he looks for a new city to call home. This just provides further proof that any former Bronco will be welcome here, anytime. Lelie would certainly make the Texans better on Madden, but I'm not sure how much of an impact he'd actually have in real life. Yes, Lelie would provide a much-needed injection of speed on offense, but he's been an underachiever from day one of his NFL career and the Texans still need to find themselves a quarterback willing and able to actually throw the ball further than 5 yards down the field.

Also, there are whispers that Ahman Green could be wearing steel blue this fall, too. I guess that's nice. I mean, who wouldn't want a former Pro Bowl RB with about one or two years left in his career? Sorry to be so negative, but it's just hard to get excited about a team whose ceiling for the 2007 season is .500 football. And, yes, I know the NFL landscape can change in a hurry, but let's be honest here. The Texans' forecast for the following seasons doesn't exactly call for roses and rainbows either.

And finally, here's a trade scenario for you to ponder over the weekend:

Let's pretend Green Bay is crazy enough to trade its first rounder for Randy Moss (as part of some package. I can't imagine Moss would fetch a mid-first rounder straight up, at this point). This would give Oakland the 14th pick in the draft, as well as the first overall. It would also be a perfect spot for the Texans to trade down. There, they could take Marshawn Lynch, Levi Brown, or a host of others.

So here's my proposal: How about trading the Raiders our #8 and David Carr (giving them a QB to throw to Calvin Johnson, whom the silver and black would select number one) for Oakland's newly-acquired #14, a second rounder and then the Raiders' 2008 second rounder as well?

Reasonable or no? Sound off.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And remember, new mock draft on the way early next week.

Return of the Hack

2007-03-01T16:55:00.000-06:00

Wow, I've really been slacking lately. Two posts in two weeks? That's unacceptable. Things have gotten so bad, even Charles Barkley is calling me fat and lazy. Of course, I would have kicked his plump posterior in that All-Star race, so he can just drown himself in another tub of Chunky Monkey and shut it. Anyway, I can deal with the insults. The part I can't handle is how far behind I am. Let a week in the world of sports go by and, suddenly, you're out of touch and irrelevant. So that means it's time to play catch-up, stream-of-consciousness style.

The Chuckster Cozies Up to His Next Meal

The NFL season never actually ends, does it? Hard to believe that nearly one month ago, I was mourning the loss of pro football for another eight months, yet it still manages to steal the spotlight on a weekly basis. Kind of says something about the current state of thugball, roidball and mulletball (AKA the NBA, MLB and NHL). I could easily riff on the NFL for an entire column right now, but I'll keep it short and (somewhat) sweet for the time being.

First of all, for those of you who enjoyed the heartwarming tale of Najeh Davenport, feast your eyes on this story about the divorce proceedings involving Amani Toomer. Make sure you read the entire thing, because they saved the best part for the end. Trust me.

Now, in matters that actually relate to what takes place on the field, the Randy Moss rumor mill is heating up. One published report has Mr. Happy Pants heading to the land of lard for Green Bay back-up QB, Aaron Rodgers. Forget for a moment that this deal is likely little more than your typical run-of-the-mill internet fodder. The truly important nugget is that the Raiders seem intent on ditching the disgruntled, past his prime, Moss. What does that mean? Get ready for a draft board shake-up. I think Oakland will find itself a semi-serviceable quarterback via trade (the aforementioned Rodgers or David Carr, perhaps?), free agency (Brad Johnson, Drew Bledsoe or Joey Harrington) or later in the draft (Drew Stanton or John Beck). As for their number one pick? It will be none other than the best player on the board, Calvin Johnson.

CJ Attempts to Run Away From Al Davis

Obviously, if this scenario takes place, it would send teams scrambling to re-evaluate their options. Would Detroit still nab Joe Thomas, even after JaMarcus Russell fell into their laps? Like I said, I could write an entire column on this. But I'll save it for next week's revised Mock Draft. Needless to say, I'm really hoping the Raiders follow through with this plan. Not only would it make me look smart (always appreciated), but it would also add a major dose of much-needed intrigue to a somewhat lackluster draft.

Hope you had a chance to watch last night's Texas-Texas A&M game. Not only was it an absolute treat to see two rivals trading blows in late February, but the stars delivered the goods as well. Kevin Durant is making it increasingly difficult for NBA teams to keep Greg Oden at the top of their draft board and Acie Law continues to solidify his standing as the most clutch player in the college game.

As for each team's prospects come tourney time: A&M will be just fine, thank you. They play tough D, have a great coach and a go-to guy in crunch time. They're going to be a very difficult out and while I doubted their final four prospects earlier this season, I think the Aggies are a lock for at least the Elite Eight now. Sizing up Texas is much more difficult. Any team with Durant and D.J. Augustin is going to be a handful. But the Longhorns have two fatal flaws that will prove to be their undoing, probably in the round of 16. Number one: They still suffer through stretches where they simply can't get the ball into the hands of Durant. Number two: Augustin is their lone ball-handler, making UT susceptible to a team adept at playing a trapping, pressing style.

In the NBA, The Spurs are waking up, the Rockets are falling down and Miami knows any chance it had to repeat as champions disappeared the moment Dwyane Wade was placed in a wheel chair after dislocating his shoulder (WTF?!?). So this seems as good a time as any to reprise my NBA "True Contender" Power Rankings.

1. Dallas Mavericks (48-9)

The more I see the Mavs, the more I believe nothing can stop them except the injury bug. Seriously. This team has no weakness. Well, maybe a teeny-tiny one: That little voice in their heads that reminds them of their choke-job last summer. Still, Avery Johnson is too mentally tough to let a psychological hurdle keep his troops from lifting the O'Brien trophy in June.

2. Phoenix Suns (44-14)

The Suns look human these days, sporting a rather pedestrian 6-4 record during their last ten games. Of course, injuries have a lot to do with that. Steve Nash, Shawn Marion and Boris Diaw have all missed time during that stretch and, since Phoenix only goes seven deep, the Suns have suffered as a result. Still, Phoenix is unquestionably the second-best team in the league and I can't wait to see how Nash and Co. fare in the playoffs.

3. San Antonio Spurs (39-18)

Winners of six in a row, San Antonio seems to have finally awoken from its season-long slumber. Yet, everything I said about the top three title contenders three weeks ago holds true now. Meaning the Spurs should never, ever be counted out, but their odds are long due to the NBA's evolution which places a premium on speed and athleticism (which Dallas and Phoenix have, but San Antonio doesn't).

And, folks, that's it. Yes, this week I've narrowed the list from five to three. The Rockets failed to add anything of consequence (sorry, Jake Tsakalidis, you don't count) at the trade deadline, meaning their aging, worn-out reserves aren't getting any help. True, Yao Ming's return (when is that happening again? Mid-March? Late March? April 2009? I'm confused.) will inject new life into a weary lineup, but I just can't see Houston putting everything together in time to storm its way past the Mavs, Suns and Spurs. And if you think I'm being too harsh, let's just say my spirits were not buoyed by losses to Toronto, Boston and Atlanta over the course of the last week.

As for everybody else, well, the only other teams with a legitimate shot are Miami and Detroit. Wade's injury crushes the Heat, even if he does decide to come back. You think a player who makes his living by hurling his body into harm's way again and again is going to make it through and entire postseason without re-injuring his shoulder? No way. So Miami's D-O-N-E. Detroit? Hey, I think the Tigers will be fun to watch this this summer.

Back early next week (for real this time!) with a new Mock Draft. Enjoy the weekend, everyone.

Has the Whole World Lost Its Head?

2007-02-20T21:37:00.000-06:00

Wow. I go underground for a few days and all of a sudden the outside world loses its collective mind. Britney shaves her head. Scottie Pippen contemplates a return to the NBA. And the Chargers drop a deuce on the Lombardi Trophy. Needless to say, there's a lot to address. So let's get right to it.

First of all, I couldn't be more distraught about San Diego's decision to name Norv Turner as its new head coach. No, I'm not a Chargers' fan. In fact, I don't really have any strong feelings about them one way or the other. But they do have an immense amount of talent and, in the NFL's salary cap era, that's a rarity. And since a team like this doesn't come around too often, you just can't afford to waste an opportunity like the one San Diego is staring at.

Now, say what you will about Marty Schottenheimer (and I have), but at least he can say he led his teams to the playoffs. Turner has done that exactly ONCE in his nine seasons as a head coach. Why on earth would you entrust the most talented squad in professional football to this guy? On what grounds do you base this decision? And can someone please explain the NFL's fascination with coaching retreads to me?

Nothing Like a 58-82-1 Lifetime Record to Get the Locals Excited

In the last two weeks, we've witnessed two of the NFL's more talent-laden teams (San Diego and Dallas) dip into the recycle bin to fill their most important vacancies. And we're not talking about Chuck Noll and Tom Landry here. We're talking about Norv freaking Turner and Wade freaking Phillips. Between the two of them (14 full seasons), here are their head coaching credentials:

106-121-1 Regular Season Record

1-4 Postseason Record

And that's it. But, apparently, that was enough for both guys to get their third ride on the NFL head coaching carousel. What, were Rick Kotite and Joe Bugel not available? Nonetheless, I fully expect plenty of pro football "experts" to predict at least one of these guys will make a Super Bowl appearance in 2008. Just don't say I didn't warn you when both fall short thanks, in large part, to the fact they're both much better suited to coordinator positions.

On a related note, there's a famous scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Harry explains that it's simply impossible to have great sex with certain people because they're cursed with dumb names. Harry uses the name "Shelden" as an example, but he might as well have used "Wade" or "Norv", because neither guy is going to take you where you want to go. Memo to NFL owners: If you're looking for a guy to take you to the top of the NFL mountain, you might want to roll the dice with a guy named Bill. Because when it comes to Super Bowls, Walsh, Parcells, Belichick and Cowher certainly knew how to lead their clubs to a satisfied and euphoric climax.

Sally Learns the Hard Truth About Wade and Norv

As for Scottie Pippen... yawn. This is even more of a non-event than Deion Sanders' ill-fated comeback with the Ravens a year ago. However, I do hope some desperate club gives him a shot. Because as a lifelong non-fan of Pippen, I'll be ecstatic to see the horrified look on his face when mediocre guys like Ricky Davis and Chucky Atkins are lighting him up. More than likely, though, this will end with a ten day contract and a hamstring pull. If you're really that starved for attention, Scottie, go perform your number one smash-hit, "Humpty Dance" on Dancing with the Stars.

"Dancing With the Stars" is Waiting for You, Scottie

Finally, I've just one thing to say about Ms. Spears: Which shaved body part was more disturbing?

Welcome back, world. I'll try not to you unattended for an extended period of time ever again.

New Columns Resume Wednesday

2007-02-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

First of all, an apology for the extended break. Unforeseen circumstances dictated a longer-than-expected hiatus. My bad. On the plus side, I have not shaved my head, nor have I acquired any neck tattoos (that I know of), so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Anyway, regular updates on the C.C.C. will resume Wednesday. Thanks for your patience and thanks for reading.

J.

Coming Out of the Bigotry Closet

2007-02-15T13:24:00.000-06:00

You have to hand it to Tim Hardaway. Honestly, I think it's great that he said what he said. Of course, the content of his diatribe is ridiculous. But it's potentially positive because it exposes the ridiculous line of thinking that, unfortunately, has been adopted by a huge portion of the population. Even better, it forces people to discuss a topic that's usually considered taboo. And, as far as I'm concerned, that's ALWAYS a good thing.

On the court, huge re-match between the Rockets and Mavs tonight. This time, Houston gets Dallas at the Toyota Center, so it should be a much more competitive game than last week's laugher. That said, the Mavs are just too good right now and much too athletic for a still short-handed Rockets' squad. Dallas wins a squeaker, 101-99.

One other rant before I go: I'd like to hear from the people who don't think Steve Nash isn't the MVP because he plays with an All-Star team. Oh really??? How good do they look without him now?

I know this argument is played out, but I get so tired of people knocking Nash because of his *Great* supporting cast. Look, I love Shawn Marion, but don't people notice how he transforms from great to merely good (or average) when Nash isn't around? Yet, I'm sure when Phoenix gets healthy and goes on another big roll I'll have to listen to haters saying Nash is just benefiting from his cast of All-Star teammates. Just please do me a favor and keep reminding those knuckleheads that it's the other way around.

Have to get that off my chest once a year.

New NBA column coming tomorrow.

J.

Mock Draft Version 2.0 (AKA The Brady Bust)

2007-02-12T21:47:00.000-06:00

Brady, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Amaechi

Now that professional football's most irrelevant event (also known as the Pro Bowl, although I'm willing to listen to arguments claiming the Super Bowl tops the list) has come and gone, we can finally focus all of our attention on the NFL draft. We're already seeing some wild fluctuation in player value (hello, Brady Quinn) and with the combine just around the corner, expect much more to change in the days and weeks to come. So with the usual caveats, let's delve into the mock draft mire once again as we release Version 2.0.

x -- still to be determined by coin flip
+ -- underclassman

1. Oakland Raiders (2-14)
+ JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU

Russell remains the pick at number one. There have been whispers that Oakland could play the best available card and choose Calvin Johnson instead. But at the end of the day, I'm convinced the Raiders will make Russell a very rich man. He possesses the highest upside of any quarterback in this draft and we all know how much the Raiders love big-armed QBs. The question remains; will Oakland ruin Russell's career before it even begins?

2. Detroit Lions (3-13)
Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

My, how things have changed for Brady Quinn. Rewind to the final week of the NFL's regular season. Pundits were wondering whether the Lions should tank their final game to ensure the number one spot and a chance to select Notre Dame's signal-caller. Then Quinn and the Irish get pounded by Russell's Tigers and now scouts are calling Brady one of the draft's most overrated prospects (and since I can't pass on a chance to pat myself on the back, let me add that I've been saying the same thing for months now). Anyway, now it looks like Quinn could be poised for a free fall ala Aaron Rodgers circa 2005. Don't believe me? Check out the teams following Detroit? Who's going to take a sliding QB prospect if the Lions don't? This could be the story of the draft. At any rate, the Lions go the safe (and smart) route, selecting Joe Thomas to anchor their O-Line for the next decade.

3. x-Cleveland Browns (4-12)
+ Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

I fully expect Peterson to leave scouts salivating at the combine. I don't care if he performs or waits until OU's pro day, one look at his chiseled physique will elicit enough man crushes to fill a Harlequin romance novel penned by John Amaechi. Okay, that was a cheap shot (and about a week late). My bad.

4. x-Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12)
+ Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

If Johnson fall to the Bucs at four, Jon Gruden (and Chris Simms) should throw an epic pirate party. Grog and galleons for everyone!

Chucky's Ready for a Pirate Party!

5. Arizona Cardinals (5-11)
Alan Branch, DT, Michigan

The Cards are desperate for a pass rush so this pick comes down to whether they want to generate pressure from the inside or outside. Branch, Gaines Adams and Jamaal Anderson are all in play here.

6. Washington Redskins (5-11)
+ Gaines Adams, DE, Georgia

'Skins need help getting to the quarterback, too, so Adams should fit the bill quite nicely.

7. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
LaRon Landry, S, LSU

High for a safety, but Landry is as good as it gets and he fills a major need for the Vikes.

8. Houston Texans (6-10)
Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville

You know what? I can live with this pick. Look, I hate picking a D-linemen four year in a row, too. But getting a 19 year old Tommie Harris sounds pretty good to me. And considering the Texans' infatuation with high character guys, you have to figure they'll fall in love with Okoye. Yes, they're desperate for playmakers on the offensive side of the ball, but unless they trade back (a definite possibility), it's just not going to happen in the first round.

The Man to Lead Us to 8-8

9. Miami Dolphins (6-10)
+ Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas

With Jason Taylor flirting with retirement (he won't) and the rest of the Dolphins' D filing for AARP, it's time for an injection of youth.

10. Atlanta (7-9)
+ Ted Ginn Jr., WR, Ohio State

Considering Bobby Petrino's offensive background, you'd have to think he'd sell his soul to field an offense featuring the speed of Ginn, Vick and Norwood. Wow. I'm not a Falcon (or Vick) fan, but even I'd LOVE to see that.

11. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
+ Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC

Yes, the 'Niners need big-time help on defense. And Adam Carricker would be awfully tough to pass up here. But I say San Fran learns from the Texans' mistake. They saw Houston neglect David Carr's supporting cast and they know what happened. So here you go, Alex Smith. You've got Jarret, you've got Frank Gore and you've got Vernon Davis. Go to work.

12. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska

If the Bills want to reach to fill a need, they can take Levi Brown. Remember, they did plenty of reaching last year. But I think Carricker is just too good to pass up.

13. St. Louis Rams (8-8)
+ Charles Johnson, DE, Georgia

Johnson and Leonard Little would be a wrecking crew on the Rams' artificial turf.

14. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
Levi Brown, OT, Penn State

A boring (but solid) pick that fills a need. Carolina's offensive line was a joke last year.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
+ Jarvis Moss, DE/OLB, Florida

To anyone who questions whether this is the right pick, I ask only that you go back and watch the tape of the national championship game. That's all.

16. Green Bay Packers (8-8)
+ Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal

This pick is the equivalent of every ESPN expert predicting New Orleans to beat Chicago in the Super Bowl. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has had Lynch to the Packers from day one. It's just too obvious, isn't it?

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8)
Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

No, I didn't forget about him. This is where the free-fall stops. I know it seems unlikely now, but this guy is getting ripped to shreds. Of course, the tide could turn again if he falls into the "so blasted for being overrated that he's underrated" category. To be sure, there are teams with QB needs after Detroit. Heck, he could go to the Browns at number three. But he could just as easily slide to the Chiefs at twenty three. As for the Jags, Jack Del Rio has pissed off both Byron Leftwich and David Garrard, so he needs someone to quarterback his team.

18. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
Leon Hall, CB, Michigan

Deltha O'neal and Tory James were exposed as frauds this year, so it's time to bring in some help (preferably, of the non-criminal variety).

19. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
+ Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina

Seems pretty apparent that this pick is a wide receiver. Rice, Jarrett (if he slips) and Robert Meachem would all be perfectly happy to hitch a ride on VY's coattails.

20. New York Giants (8-8)
+ Darrell Revis, CB, Pittsburgh

The Giants' secondary is a mess and it's time to retool. Revis would be a solid start and don't be surprised if he surpasses Hall as the number one CB on the board come draft day.

21. Denver Broncos (9-7)
+ Reggie Nelson, S, Florida

Still think the Cowboys are dying to get their hands on Nelson, so I still think a trade is exceedingly possible here.

22. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)
Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State

If they can't nab Nelson, however, Posluszny would look good with a star on his helmet (if such a thing is actually possible). His draft stock will likely be determined by the status of his surgically repaired knee.

23. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)
Deymeion Hughes, CB, Cal

K.C. is primed for a major fall. Look at their roster. They are old and slow. Pretty much every position but RB and TE is in play here.

24. New England Patriots (from Seattle)
Patrick Willis, ILB, Ole Miss

Best LB in the draft. A pure, instinctive football player who would be a great addition to the Pats, especially with Bruschi and Vrabel aging.

25. New York Jets (10-6)
Aaron Ross, CB, Texas

Gotta figure Mangini is perfectly happy to continue re-tooling his defense.

26. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
+ Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida State

Timmons is almost the anti-Willis. He's an athletic freak, but is he a football player? Wouldn't be surprised to see him move up 5 or 6 spots after he lights up the combine.

27. New Orleans Saints (10-6)
+ Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee

I know the Saints' offense is loaded, but do you really think Mini-Martz will resist the urge to add yet another game-breaking weapon to his offense? Remember, Joe Horn is pretty much done.

28. New England Patriots (12-4)
LaMarr Woodley, DE/OLB, Michigan

I know it seems like WR is the way to go here, but after taking Chad Jackson last year and seeing Tom Brady turn Jabar Gaffney into Marvin Harrison, I seriously doubt the Patriots feel a burning need to spend another first round pick on a wideout.

29. Baltimore Ravens (13-3)
Dwayne Bowe, WR, LSU

With Derrick Mason and Mark Clayton, the Ravens can use some size at the WR position. Bowe certainly brings that.

30. San Diego Chargers (14-2)
+ Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Ohio State

Man, the Chargers would be bummed to see both Bowe and Meachem gone. But Gonzalez isn't a bad consolation prize. His key (like pretty much every other WR) will be what he runs in the 40. And by the way, for those wondering about my thoughts on the Schottenheimer firing: Yes, I think the Chargers will be just fine and probably better off come postseason play. It's a shame they didn't make this move sooner, but bring in a Ron Rivera or, my personal favorite, Mike Singletary and I think San Diego will be right back in the Super Bowl mix. Disregard everything, however, if Norv Turner is the pick.

31. Chicago Bears (13-3)
Arron Sears, OG, Tennessee

Hard to see something appetizing for Chicago here (besides a new quarterback, of course). So I think they'll keep building where it counts: in the trenches.

32. Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
Anthony Spencer, DE/OLB, Purdue

Another Indianapolis 'tweener. Hey, it worked for them this year, didn't it?

My Favorite Reader

2007-02-09T13:12:00.000-06:00

What Was I Thinking Hiring Wade Phillips? Quick, Jason, Tell Me What to do Next!

I'm thrilled (and somewhat shocked) to already have some loyal readers of the Clutch City Chronicles. And while I cherish each and every one, I have to send a special shout-out to the guy who seems to hang on my every word. Jerry Jones, you are the Man! First, you take my advice and shock everyone by interviewing future coaching phenom, Mike Singletary. Then, you respond to my request in this open letter by giving me (and every other smart Texans' fan) exactly what I wanted. Cat Face, you rock my world. I know you've grown accustomed to 9-7 seasons and first round exits, but I promise you, this is going to be the best of the bunch. All I ask for in return is a Christmas card featuring Wade's dumbstruck face after one of your (many) upcoming kick-in-the-groin style losses. I'm already saving a special place on my mantle for when it arrives.

One other football note: Check out these stats courtesy of ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli. It pretty much sums up the topsy-turvy post-season we just witnessed:

In 16 regular-season games, Indianapolis, which featured the NFL's worst defense versus the run, was outrushed by an average of 62.9 yards per game. The Colts then outrushed opponents by 68.3 yards per outing in their four postseason wins, a turnaround of 131.2 yards. By the way, the Colts' average of 238.5 yards of total offense surrendered per game in the playoffs would have ranked No. 1 in the NFL in the regular season.

Finally, HUGE game in the NBA tonight, featuring two of the top four teams in my title contender power rankings. I'm talking Rockets-Mavs. True, Houston is a big underdog considering they're on the road and still Yao-less. But the Rockets' chemistry right now is as good as its been in more than a decade. As an added bonus, we get to see the top two (in my opinion) coach of the year candidates match wits as well. This is going to be fun. My fearless prediction: Dallas 102 - Houston 95

Have a great weekend, everyone. I'll be back next week with more a new and improved NFL mock draft as well as a column discussing whether or not some NBA players just don't have what it takes to win the big one.

Breaking News: The NBA Still Exists!

2007-02-07T16:55:00.000-06:00

I have a confession to make: I'm not a fan of the Houston Rockets. Yes, I was born and raised in H-Town and, yes, after a thirteen year exile, Houston is my home once again. But the truth is, I haven't been a Rockets' fanatic for about a decade. After growing up living and dying with the likes of Hakeem Olajuwon, Otis Thorpe, Mario Elie, Kenny Smith, Lewis Lloyd, Mitchell Wiggins and all the rest, I'm now an NBA orphan. Hey, it happens. I'm not saying I'm happy about it, because I'm not. Some of my favorite moments as a sports fan occurred while watching the Rockets' storybook run to consecutive titles in '94 and (especially) '95.

Ah, The Good Old Days.

So why am I telling you this? Because it's important for me to set the record straight in this, my first NBA column. If I write something positive about the Rockets, I don't want it to come off as the ramblings of some hometown hack. Just know that when it comes to basketball (and baseball, for that matter), I'm about as unbiased an observer as you're likely to find.

So now that that's out of the way, let's emerge from our NFL-induced coma and quickly catch-up on the NBA season. If you haven't been paying attention, there are really only two things you need to know:

1. Dallas and Phoenix are far and away the class of the league. The distance between them and the rest of the pack is about the same as Rex Grossman's proximity to being a competent quarterback (sorry, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that the NFL season is actually over).

2. Allen Iverson finally forced his way out of Philly and now stars in the NBA's most potentially explosive experiment since David Stern banished black players from the league. Oh wait, that hasn't happened yet. But mark my words, it's coming. The Commish is on a mission.

Kanye Knows. David Stern Hates Black People.

That's it. That's really all you've missed. So since we just passed the halfway point of the season, this seems like the perfect time to rank the TRUE contenders to the crown. I'm not talking about teams that have a shot at making the Finals. I'm only discussing the teams that have a legitimate chance to win it all. Let's begin with the no-brainers.

1. Dallas Mavericks (39-9)

Why do the Mavs get the top spot over Phoenix? First of all, I'm still having a difficult time coming to grips with the fact that they're NOT the defending champions. And while some see their choke job against Miami as a negative, I think it might actually play in their favor come June. The fact is, they're hungry and there's just no way Avery Johnson is going to allow that stumble to permanently impede his club from achieving its goal.

Also, I love the Mavs' depth and versatility (in stark contrast to the Suns). This is a team that can run, but it's just as comfortable in the half-court. And Dallas plays defense. I'm sorry, I know Phoenix is an improved defensive team, but you still can't convince me they're dramatically improved from their matador days of recent years gone by.

2. Phoenix Suns (39-10)

Now that I've sent a few salvos in the direction of Phoenix, it's time for confession number two: I really want the Suns to win it all. I mean, how can you not love this team? They're just so much fun to watch. It's like seeing the '99 Rams for the first time. They just play a style of ball that's so unique, so refreshing and so pleasing to eyes. Can they win it all? Absolutely. Amare Stoudemire seems to get more explosive by the day and Leandro Barbosa would probably be an All-Star is he were on another team. However, for the reasons stated above, I give the slightest of edges to Dallas. But don't you think it'd be great for the league to have a run-and-gun team like Phoenix take home the title?

3. San Antonio Spurs (32-16)

I know I'm going by the book so far, but just bear with me. Fact is, I picked the Spurs to take home the O'Brien trophy before the year began. Obviously, I'm not feeling too great about that prediction right now. But... this team is still capable of getting it together in time to make a serious run at another championship. I mean, look at what the Colts just accomplished. Sometimes dull superstar player, great coach and solid supporting cast combine to produce a disappointing regular season that seemed to indicate their window might be closing and then, voila! They found the magic formula just in time. Do I think it's going to happen in San Antonio? No. In a league that continues to shift toward emphasizing speed, quickness and creativity, the Spurs appear to be a dinosaur whose time has passed. But by no means should they be counted out.

4. Houston Rockets (31-17)

See? This is why I had to preface this post. Because I know some of you would immediately label me about as credible as our favorite astronaut. But here's the thing: This team is for real. Before the season began, I went on the record and said the Rockets would finish the season as a top 6 team (in the NBA, not just the Western Conference). Funny thing is, I figured that would be because Yao and T-Mac would finally play a whole season together. Well, it obviously hasn't worked out that way. Yao has already missed 21 games and doesn't figure to return until late March. McGrady has been on the shelf 8 times and role players like Kirk Snynder, Bonzi Wells and Chuck Hayes have battled injuries, too.

Yet the Rockets are not merely treading water, they are surging. They lead the league in defensive efficiency. They're getting implausible contributions from AARP members, Juwan Howard and Dikembe Mutombo. T-Mac has been playing like it's 2004 ever since his visit to the Waco witch doctor, and Shane Battier is, quite simply, the ultimate glue guy. Throw in coach of the year candidate, Smeagol Van Gundy, and you've got a team on the cusp of greatness.

JVG, You Should Really Get Out More

Of course, all of this will be rendered null and void if Tracy and Yao can't stay upright. And, yes, there's that small matter of McGrady having never advanced past the first round of the playoffs. But the Rockets have Space City ready for lift-off. Let's just hope they don't end up in diapers, armed with nothing but a BB gun and pepper spray.

Allegedly Went Off Deep End After Hearing Yao Was Out Until April

5. Miami Heat (23-25)

I know, I know. How on earth can I put them in the five slot, much less label them a TRUE title contender? For the love of God, they're barely clinging to the 8th and final playoff spot in the Bog of Eternal Stench better known as the Eastern Conference! What can I say, I just have this much respect for Dwyane Wade. Heck, I'd consider voting him MVP of the league if the season ended today. I know that's heresy considering the body of work produced by Nash, Kobe and Dirk, but Wade has singlehandedly prevented the Heat from entering Oden-Durant territory. I think when everything is said and done, Miami is going to get a chance to defend its title. And after seeing what Wade accomplished in the Finals last year, would you really want to bet against him in a seven game series this June? Didn't think so.

And that, my friends, is it. Those are the only five teams I can see winning it all. I was tempted to throw Detroit in the mix at number six, but I just can't take the Pistons seriously. Yes, their starting five is as good as anyone's, but that was the case last year, too. I just don't think this year's club is better, I don't think they trust (or respect) Flip Saunders and I don't think Chris Webber will be a true difference-maker when the Pistons finally face elite postseason competition (be it in the Eastern Conference or NBA Finals). Yes, he's a great passer who can still contribute offensively, but he can't do anything on defense (what with his one leg and all) and he's not exactly known for stepping up in crunch time.

Look at it this way: A few weeks ago, I said I expected the Bears to go to the Super Bowl (this was at the NFL's final four stage), but that they had no chance to actually win it all (on account of Rex being prominently involved). Well, it's the same deal here with Detroit. They're the favorites to represent the Least, so any team that appears in the Finals has to have a shot, right? Not in my world, they don't. Sorry, Detroit. It's just not going to happen. By the way, my goal is to have every sports fan in the Great Lakes area hating me by the year's end. Trust me, I'm off to a great start.

Sorry, Detroit. You're in the Same Boat as This Guy

Other teams to which I have to apologize: the Lakers, Jazz, Nuggets and Bulls. Los Angeles is the most intriguing of the group because of the Kobe factor, but I think they're still a year away. Are they capable of pulling off an upset or two come playoff time? Absolutely. But Kobe is still learning how to rely on his teammates and Andrew Bynum is not quite ready for primetime. I have to admit, though, Phil Jackson and Co. have put this thing together much quicker than anyone expected.

As for Utah, the record is nice and I like what they're building. Jerry Sloan definitely deserves COY consideration. But do you really think they could take out any of the top 4 in a playoff series? Me neither.

Chicago: Too young, even if they trade for Pau Gasol. And make no mistake about it, as talented as this team is, they desperately need an inside presence on the offensive end before they can become serious title contenders.

And finally, Denver. Can't wait to see this team scare the bejeezus out of somebody in the first round. But chemistry counts in this league and there's just no way the Nuggets will have enough of it by the time the playoffs roll around. Really too bad they don't play in the East. Of course, pretty much every Western Conference team outside of Phoenix and Dallas is muttering that same sentiment to themselves right now.

As for the rest of the league, sit back and enjoy watching what should be the greatest Western Conference playoffs of all time. And if your team won't be making a postseason appearance, do yourself a favor and catch every game featuring Kevin Durant. Yes, he's that special.

The True MVP and Other Super Bowl Thoughts

2007-02-05T17:04:00.000-06:00

Goodbye, Mr. Peepee. We'll Miss You

I feel stupid. No, not because I actually allowed the words "spectacular" and "Grossman" to find themselves in the same sentence last week. And not because I predicted a close and competitive game. Actually, I'm upset because of something I neglected to point out. In last week's Super Bowl preview, I listed three irrefutable truths and three X-factors. All of them were valid and right on the mark, but not one mentioned the single most important aspect of the game. However, I take solace in the fact I'm not the only misguided soul. Because it was (and continues to be) ignored by just about every national analyst due to the fact they're too busy breathlessly revising Peyton's place in the NFL history.

Look, I'm not here to rain on Manning's parade. Yes, his playoff numbers look eerily reminiscent of postseasons past (3 TDs, 7 picks... yikes!), but the only thing that matters is he finally delivered Ws in January and February. I'm even fine with him winning the MVP trophy. But you know what? The voters got it wrong.

Check out these numbers:

RB X
21 carries, 113 yds, 1 TD

RB Y
19 carries, 77 yds, 10 receptions, 66 yds

If either RB X or RB Y were named Reggie Bush or LaDainian Tomlinson, don't you think they would have been handed the keys to the Cadillac instead of Manning? Of course, you know the mystery runners are Dominic Rhodes and Joseph Addai and that both walked away empty-handed. But that's okay, too. Because, as good as they were, they weren't the game's MVP either.

No, the Super Bowl MVP, or, more appropriately, MVPs, were the members of the Indianapolis offensive line. They were the ones opening massive holes for Rhodes and Addai to run through. They were the ones responsible for keeping Peyton upright in the pocket (just one sack allowed and that was arguably Peyton's fault for holding on to the ball too long), allowing Manning plenty of time to pick apart the Bears' defense. And this wasn't just a one-game fluke either. Three weeks ago, against a much more aggressive unit, Indy's undersized offensive line surrendered just one measly sack to Baltimore's top-ranked defense.

Where the Game Was Won

Hey, I'm not demanding a recount here. I recognize Peyton's part in reading defenses and quickly getting rid of the ball. But this Super Bowl (like pretty much every football game ever played in the history of man) was won in the trenches. And, for that, a ton of credit should be bestowed upon a Colts' O-Line that physically manhandled the Chicago front four. Sure, the game's grunt-men are always overlooked, especially when a player like Peyton is involved. But I should have seen this coming. And because of that glaring oversight, I'm feeling pretty sheepish today.

Now after heaping praise upon Indy's blockers, it should be noted that the Bears did not exactly go out of their way to apply a copious amount of pressure on Peyton. And while we'll never know what a blitz-happy scheme would have reaped, Chicago's strategy did seem to ignore the lessons of history. When New England and Pittsburgh unceremoniously dispatched the Colts in years past, the recipe called for a heavy dose of pressure in order to knock Manning out of his comfort zone, so it's hard to fathom why the Bears chose to go an alternative route. Yes, I understand Chicago usually relies on getting pressure from its front four and, yes, I realize the loss of Tommie Harris severely hindered their ability to do so. Still, I think it's a death wish to let Peyton comfortably pick your team apart. But hey, considering Chicago's leaky secondary, perhaps the game would have been even more lopsided had the Bears decided to bring the house with regularity.

Finally, I'd like to extend a personal invitation to all of my Chicago brothers and sisters out there. You see, botched snaps, erratic play, horrible decisions and atrocious mechanics from a starting quarterback is nothing new to H-town residents. So hop on the earliest flight to Houston and join us this Friday for our weekly "Why in God's name did he do that?!?" intervention.

Are You Bringing Sexy Back, Chicago?

During this two hour meeting, we'll discuss the merits of practicing patience versus cutting the cord, as well as offer insight into the age-old question, "He's got all the physical tools and seems like a nice enough guy, so why on earth do I end up feeling like Hannibal Lecter every time I watch him play???". Admission is free as are packets of valium and pepto bismol. And if you decide that you just can't bear the thought of bringing Sexy back, we'll be more than happy to send you home with a brand spanking new QB (just brimming with untapped potential!), all for the low, low price of a 2007 4th round draft choice. I dare you to find a better deal anywhere.

Or Do You Want a Piece of This Action?

Requiem for a Football Season

2007-02-01T17:23:00.000-06:00

Allow me to let you in on a little secret. The "real" NFL season came to a close about two weeks ago. No, I'm not directing a cheap shot at the inferior NFC's presence in this year's Super Bowl. Here's what I mean: Professional football (as we know it for twenty consecutive weeks) ends every year the second the clock shows 00:00 at the conclusion of conference championship weekend. Everything after that is only about the hype, the show and second-guessing.

Think about it. ESPN becomes borderline unwatchable (if you even half-way agree with that statement, please do yourself a favor and check out this link. Sheer genius and right on the money). The bye week is about as interminable as a Bill Walton rant (See? I told you we'd start talking NBA! By the way, basketball stories next week, I promise). And don't even get me started on the lunacy of having an extra-long halftime during the MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON just so we can watch Prince strut around on his artificial hip for 10 minutes. Add it all up and it's no wonder we're often treated to a contest that delivers as much drama as a preseason game in mid-August. It's like watching a movie that features Scarlett Johansson in every scene until the thrilling climax, when she's inexplicably replaced by Paris Hilton.

Come On, NFL. Why Replace this...

With This???

Look, I know I'm coming across like Statler and Waldorf (the two crotchety old men who sat in the balcony during the Muppet Show) right now. I promise I'm not trying to rain on your parade if you're a Bears or Colts fan. Heck, I'm sure when the Texans make the Super Bowl in 2050 I'll be peeing in my Depends with delight, especially when the 90 year old members of U2 get on stage and rock the halftime show from their wheelchairs. I'd just like the NFL's biggest game to, you know, be about football. And Scarlett Johansson. She can stay too.

So... speaking of football, we've got a game to dissect. If you were paying attention, you'll notice I mentioned something about second-guessing in the first paragraph. I have to admit, that extra week gets me every time. No, I'm not backing off the Colts. But as time goes by, I'm finding myself about as nervous as a Nebraska wrestler.

Here's why: When you break this game down to its core, you discover three irrefutable truths and two x-factors. They are as follows:

Irrefutable Truths

1. The Bears have the best defense. This one goes in the "no, duh" category, despite the fact Chicago's D is nowhere near as dominant as it was in the first half of the season.

2. The Colts possess the best offense. Also a no-brainer. Although, let's dispel the myth of Chicago's inept offense right now. The Bears and Colts BOTH averaged 26.7 point per game during the regular season, good enough for 2nd in the NFL. Still, Indy gets the nod here because of their obvious advantage at QB and the fact that the Bears offense was often the beneficiary of great field position thanks to their defense and superior...

3. ... Special Teams. Sure, there's no one else you'd want more than Adam Vinatieri when the game's on the line and you need a field goal to win it. But Devin Hester scores touchdowns and flips field position, even when he doesn't touch the ball. Making matters worse for Indianapolis is the Colts' leaky kick-off coverage unit. I'm guessing Russ Purnell (Indy's special teams coach) needs an entire bottle of Ambien to get to sleep these days.

X-Factors

1. Rex Grossman. There's nothing new to be said here. I mean, has there ever been a bigger X-Factor in sports history than this guy? They should just make it his nickname, introduce him to Charles Xavier and get it over with.

I'd Like to Have a Word with You, Rex

2. Colts' Defense. Who are these guys? The group that gave up 375 yards on the ground to Jacksonville and then followed that up by getting gashed by Ron freaking Dayne and the Texans two weeks later? Or the unit that performed admirably once the postseason got underway? There's just no way of knowing. I'm guessing we'll see something in between the two this Sunday.

Bonus X-Factor

That's right, in honor of the NFL's tribute to "X"-cess, I give you one final X-Factor: None other than the star of this blog so far (besides Gollum, that is), Mr. Peepee (Playoff Peyton)! Let's not forget, Manning hasn't exactly set the world on fire this January. Yes, he's done enough to win, but he's also averaged two picks per contest. And when you read articles like this, you're reminded why you never feel safe backing the Colts in big games.

Which Peepee Will We See?

So what does my crystal ball reveal? A low-scoring, tight first half. Devin Hester busting loose for a punt return touchdown. The Colts' receivers finding more openings as the third quarter bleeds into the fourth. A late thundershower allowing Phil Simm and the CBS crew to re-open Tony Romo's wounds by discussing his fateful gaffe. And both shaky and spectacular play from Manning and Grossman. You know where I'm headed. We've seen this story before. The clock winds down, Adam Vinatieri steps up and the Colts escape with a 22-20 victory. That's right. Five more field goals and a Super Bowl MVP trophy for Mr. Clutch.

What, you thought I'd give it to Peepee?

Miss Cleo's Fearless Super Bowl XLII Predictions

2007-01-29T21:29:00.000-06:00

Miss Cleo Knows Football, Mon!

That's right, folks. While the rest of the sports world is busy boring us to tears by breaking down Sunday's big game for the 1,826th time, I'm here to summon my inner-Miss Cleo in an attempt to provide you, the reader, with the only original content you're likely to read all week. So today, we're ignoring the media day hype and fast-forwarding to Super Bowl XLII. And if you just can't live without my in-depth breakdown of Bears-Colts, don't worry be happy, mon. My crystal ball will focus on that match-up later this week.

Now, before we look forward, let's take a glance at the past. Namely, what does Super Bowl history tell us about the teams likely to be facing off for the Lombardi trophy in 2008? At first glance, not much. The 80's and early 90's were dominated by the NFC East and San Francisco. Then John Elways finally grabbed his rings before all heck broke loose around the turn of the millennium. That's when teams like the Rams, Ravens and Patriots came out of nowhere to claim the crown. But lately, a certain amount of order seems to have been restored. Take a look at the last five Super Bowl showdowns:

Colts vs. Bears
Steelers over Seahawks
Patriots over Eagles
Patriots over Panthers
Buccaneers over Raiders

Is there a single team on that list that was a shocking Super Bowl participant? Not at all. Carolina probably comes closest, but everyone knew the Panthers were an up-an-coming team before the 2003 season started.

Maybe the Y2K bug, though impotent throughout the rest of world, somehow affected the NFL for a few years. Because it's looking increasingly likely that the Rams-Ravens-Pats trifecta was a bit of a football fluke. Yes, the free agency era still produces Cinderellas, but they don't often get to dance in the ball. So the lesson? Don't go crazy with your picks. Remember, the Super Bowl isn't March Madness (although the date seems to be getting closer every year). So fans in Oakland and Detroit, don't get your hopes up. You're not going anywhere anytime soon.

Let's start our search in the AFC and begin by taking out the trash. Oakland, Cleveland and Houston; keep focusing on your goals of fielding competitive teams in 2020. Kansas City and Miami are too old, Tennessee is too young (but I already LOVE them in 2009... good things happen in year 3 of the VY era, just ask Texas), Buffalo, Baltimore and Jacksonville need quarterbacks and Cincinnati needs a parole officer (and a defense).

So that leaves New England, Indy, New York, Pittsburgh, San Diego and Denver. I like what the Jets are doing, but I'm dismissing them out of principle. There's just no way you'll ever get me to predict great things for "Noodles" Pennington. Sorry, Jet fans, but you're cut. San Diego, you retained Marty Schottenheimer. Have fun with that. You're eliminated too. I really like Jay Cutler, but there's just something about Denver that leaves me feeling blah. So long, Broncos. As for Pittsburgh, you just don't see many first year, first time head coaches leading their clubs to the promised land and I refuse to bestow any future glory upon the Steelers until they apprehend the guy who keeps sticking pins into his Ben Roethlisberger voodoo doll. So I'm afraid we're bidding adieu to the Steel City as well.

Which leaves us with... the familiar faces of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I'm sorry. I know you're sick of them and I know it's boring. Just take solace in the fact that there's a 99.9% chance I'm going to be wrong, okay? Anyway, no matter what happens this Sunday, I don't expect the Colts to be back next year. It's just too hard to repeat and, let's face it, despite what we've witnessed over the course of the last three weeks, that defense is decidedly mediocre. So welcome back to the big game, New England.

Sorry, Folks. The Hoodie is Still a Force of Nature

But this isn't a mere process of elimination pick. The future looks extremely bright for the AFC runner-ups. For starters, Tom Brady is back. The Pats D-Line is excellent and they're solid in the trenches offensively as well. Laurence Maroney should be a beast in his second year and I keep waiting for Ben Watson to become Antonio Gates Part II. Yes, they could use a playmaker at WR, but if Tom Brady can make Jabar Gaffney look like Marvin Harrison, I'm pretty sure the Pats will get by. Don't forget, first-rounder Chad Jackson should develop too.

New England's two primary weak spots are an aging linebacker corps and a suspect secondary. But guess what? The Pats will probably apply the franchise tag to Asante Samuel and have two first round selections to inject youth and athleticism into their 3-4 scheme. Face it. The Pats are still going to be a force. And don't discount how hungry Brady and co. will be after swallowing that bitter pill in the RCA Dome.

As usual, things are much more interesting (read: screwed up) over in the NFC. How on earth do you make sense of this mumbo jumbo? Which teams can you absolutely, positively reject? Detroit, perhaps? And that's about it. So let's just go team-by-team.

Philadelphia: Too much drama with Mama McNabb and the Chunky Soup mafia.

Dallas: Too much Norv Turner or Wade Phillips (although did you see the news today? Out of nowhere, the Cowboys are interviewing Mike Singletary! Hmmm, where did they come up with that idea? There's only one explanation: Jerry Jones reads the Clutch City Chronicles (go to the end of that column)! Thanks, Jerry. Now go eat some Meow Mix).

Anybody Know Where I Can Find Some Meow-Mix and a Litter Box?

NY Giants: Too much Tom Coughlin and WAY too much Errant Eli

Washington: Too much Daniel Snyder

Green Bay: Sorry, I'm not buying the Brett Favre fairy-tale ending.

Minnesota: No quarterback and the Vikings hates their coach. Great run defense though.

Chicago: A force, to be sure. But since I'm picking the Bears to fall this week, they're automatically eliminated since the Super Bowl loser tends to suffer a drop-off.

New Orleans: Intriguing. But a lot of things went right for them this year. Very few injuries and a favorable schedule. I like this team, but they need a lot of help defensively and I still think Tom Benson is just waiting for the perfect time to move his club to L.A. Oh yeah, and Sean Payton is Mini Mike Martz. That's not a good thing.

Tampa Bay: Getting old and Texas fans know all about hitching their ride to Chris Simms. Have fun with that, Tampa.

Carolina: A HUGE disappointment this year. The pieces are still in place to make a run in 2008. But there's no way I'm riding that wagon after suffering through the experience this season.

Atlanta: Hmmm. We'll come back to them later.

Seattle: Also intriguing.

Arizona: Ditto.

San Francisco: Yawn. And don't be surprised if Frank Gore's comeback story ends with another torn ACL. Hey, it happens.

St. Louis: Mike Martz's presence is still felt. I just can't trust these guys anymore.

So now we're left with Atlanta, Seattle and Arizona. Seattle drops out because I don't think the NFL would allow a Pats-Seahawks Super Bowl to take place. Who would you get to perform at half-time of that snoozefest? James Blunt? Boring.

To tell you the truth, I was all set to send Matt Leinart to XLII to face his pretty boy arch-nemesis, Tom Brady. Think of the possibilities. We could have a Royal Rumble before the game featuring Paris Hilton, Bridget Moynahan and every other hot female celeb (I'm not saying Paris is hot, mind you... personally, she makes me want to wretch) ever linked to those two. And besides, it's not that outrageous. The Cards' defense is decent enough to play the supporting role beside Arizona's potentially explosive offense. Yes, the Cards have a big problem with their O-line, but they can go a long way toward shoring that up if they're fortunate enough to nab OT Joe Thomas with their number one pick.

A Brady-Leinart Super Bowl is Sounding Pretty Good Now, Isn't It?

But you know what killed my Arizona dream? It dies when I realized Super Bowl XLII will be played in Arizona. You're telling me one of the league's more cursed clubs is going to be the first team in NFL history to play the Super Bowl at its home stadium? Sorry, that just isn't happening.

So I guess that means Atlanta is the pick. And that also means Mike Vick is getting hurt next year. No, not because I just cursed him and his team. But because the only way the Falcons are making the Super Bowl is with Matt Schaub at quarterback. I'm not kidding.

And hey, the Falcons aren't that far-fetched as far as picks are concerned. Jerious Norwood is a stud who can thrive in the Falcons' potent running attack. They have playmakers on defense, especially if they can ever get John Abraham to stay healthy for an entire season (a massive "if", I know). And if you're a Bill Simmons' reader, you know their Ewing Theory potential would be off the charts if Vick were to go down.

So now that the match-up is set, who comes out on top? Do you even have to ask? Miss Cleo might be a phony, but she ain't dumb.

Pats 27 - Falcons 24. You heard it here first.

Why You Should Cheer for the Colts and an Open Plea to Jerry Jones

2007-01-27T15:01:00.000-06:00

The Karma Police are Coming for You, Chicago

Way to stay classy, Chicago. Look, I know every city has their fair share of idiot fans, but these guys have to take the cake, don't they? I just hope they'll be able to drive their shaggin' wagon down to Miami (where I hear the beer flows like wine) in time for the big game. Wouldn't you love to sit between these two while they serenade you with a stirring rendition of "Mockingbird"? Heck, you might be able to hitch a ride home with the Hawaiian Tropic bikini team. Seriously, this pair needs their own reality show. Now.

Hire This Guy, Jerry. I Dare You

I'm not one to beg. And I'm certainly not one to initiate a dialogue with Jerry Jones. But I'm willing to bend the rules during desperate times. And trust me, I'm desperate now. On behalf of all fans of the Houston Texans, Jerry, I'm begging you to hire Wade Phillips. I've seen the perplexed look on his face in crunch time. I've witnessed his hard-core devotion to 9-7 football.

Phillips says, "I'm going to go on my record," and I think you should do the same. As an owner who has presided over a decade of mediocrity, you won't find anyone more in line with maintaining the status quo. In his 5 years as a head coach, Bum's son delivered a 48-39 record to go along with an 0-3 mark in the postseason. Hard to resist those numbers, isn't it?

Look, Jerry, I'll be honest with you. Two years ago I said the Houston Texans would win a Super Bowl before your Cowboys. A brazen statement, to be sure, but I dutifully stood by my beliefs. Then, as I witnessed Dallas assemble what appeared to be a championship-caliber team, my faith began to wane. And it looked bleaker, still, after last April's draft day debacle.

But now you possess the power to completely resurrect my conviction. So do the right thing, Jerry. Hire Wade. And then this 4th of July, we can sit back arm-and-arm and enjoy the T.O. fireworks, together. Quite frankly, your cosmetically-altered cat-face aside, I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Super Bowl Scene Stealers

2007-01-25T16:43:00.000-06:00

Name two below-the-radar guys (from each team) who could be difference-makers in Super Bowl XLI.

No problem at all. Let's start with Chicago.

Offensively, I think Desmond Clark has the potential to come up big for the Bears. Clark turned in his best season in 5 years, grabbing 45 balls for 626 yards and 6 touchdowns. Now, those aren't huge numbers by any means, but they were good enough to rank him third on the team in receptions. More importantly, he developed an obvious chemistry with Rex Grossman and there's no question Sexy can use all the security blankets he can find these days.

Desmond Clark: Sexy Security Blanket

But here's the biggest thing: Indianapolis does not give up big plays. The Colts' cover 2 forces you to be patient and take the underneath routes. And while that will probably nullify Bears' deep threat, Bernard Berrian, it should mean plenty of work for Clark and Muhsin Muhammed over the middle.

On the defensive side, Ricky Manning Jr. has a knack for coming up big when the stakes are raised (remember his post-season with Carolina the year the Panthers went to the Super Bowl?). And since the Colts love to spread the field, expect Manning to see plenty of action. He's a gambler in the mold of Terrell Buckley. And if you remember, T-Buck, you know that can mean either very good or very bad things for his team.

As far as Indy is concerned, Cato June is a guy who always seems to be in the middle of the action, defensively. He's very quick, but undersized as a linebacker; meaning he's above-average playing the pass in that Cover 2, but also a potential liability against the run. But you know what? You can say that about pretty much every player on the Colts' defense. When you look at the height and weight of the Indianapolis front seven, it's obvious why this team got shredded on the ground during the regular season. Give Tony Dungy and co. credit. Because, for the life of me, I can't figure out how the Colts managed to turn this aspect of their game around.

On offense, simply watch out for Aaron Moorehead. And if you have to ask why, just re-read this.

Are You Scared Yet, Chicago? You Should Be

On Tap for Today...

2007-01-25T13:26:00.000-06:00

Great story from Wright Thompson today. Worth every second of your time. Stories like this are the reason journalism came into existence (for better or worse). Check it out.

And if, after reading that, you need a bit of a pick me up, this should do the trick. Back in a few hours with the Super Bowl thought of the day.

The Biggest X-Factor of Them All

2007-01-24T12:56:00.002-06:00

First of all, if you haven't already done so, do me a favor and check out ESPN.com's ranking of all 80 Super Bowl teams. Not only is it fun from a nostalgia standpoint, but it also forced me to let Rex Grossman off the hook. That's right, Sexy, I'm man enough to admit it: No matter what happens in Miami, you're not likely to go down as the worst quarterback in Super Bowl history. Vince Ferragamo? David Woodley? Tony Eason? What in Pete Sampras is going on here? How on earth did those guys lead their respective teams to the title game?

20 Years Ago, the Bears Made Sure Rex Would Never be the Worst Super Bowl QB

A lot of it comes down to luck, my friends, which is something to keep in mind when you're placing a friendly wager on XLI. Look, there's a reason the prediction game is a 50/50 proposition (And, no, I'm not trying to make excuses for my only-slightly-above-average picks so far) and it has a lot less to do with parity than you might think. There's just no way to account for funny bounces and twists of fate; you know, those half-dozen plays which occur every contest that can swing the game either way.

To wit, take a look at the Colts' path to this year's Super Bowl. Before the playoffs even started, they received a HUGE break (in my opinion). In the fourth quarter of a tight game, Vince Young and the Titans suffered a complete collapse against the Patriots, ultimately costing Tennessee the AFC's final playoff bid and a first round match-up against Indy. Keep in mind, the Titans had played Indianapolis very tough in both regular season meetings, splitting the series one game apiece. Now sure, it's a stretch to assume the Titans would have gone into the RCA Dome and emerged victorious, but I guarantee they would have given the Colts a better game than Kansas City. And, of course, Indy was the beneficiary of multiple breaks in their games against Baltimore (Ray Lewis's deflections, anyone?) and New England (what if Troy Brown runs to the right spot, makes the catch and gives the Pats a clinching first down?).

Look, I'm not trying to rain on Indy's parade. You can play the "Ifs and buts" game with nearly every Super Bowl winner. The fact is, Indy and Chicago earned their shots and are deserving title game representatives. Just remember two things about the way luck effects this game (and the entire sports universe): 1.) The luck element means the best team doesn't always win. 2.) Luck's looming shadow means players, coaches and fans always need to appreciate the opportunity in front of them. Because no matter how stacked your team might be, you never know when they'll get this chance again. There are just too many things that can go wrong, especially in a league as brutal as the NFL.

Looks Like Someone Just Got Dumped by Lady Luck

Finally, it's time to introduce a special segment I'll creatively call the "Super Bowl Question of the Day". In truth, this idea was presented to me by my buddy, K-Knight, so I can't even take credit for the concept. Anyway, if you have any interesting football thoughts, questions or concerns, feel free to toss them my way. As the title suggests, I'd like to hit one every day until XLI arrives. By the way, I know I keep promising this, but I promise I'll get to basketball season soon. Anyway, on to today's question:

How would you rank the 4 RB's in the Superbowl?

Here's how I have them:

1. Thomas Jones

2. Joseph Addai

3. Cedric Benson

4. Dominic Rhodes

TJ, to me, is just a very solid all-around back. Addai and Benson are very close, but I'm giving the nod to the Colts' RB because he has an edge in versatility and also happens to be playing in the perfect system for him. Benson has the biggest upside of the three, but I can't rank him ahead of Addai right now. I do think he can be an excellent sledge-hammer back capable of some big seasons, but I need to see it first and I still have questions about his attitude. I know similar things were once said about Larry Johnson, but LJ had (and still has) more top-end, breakaway speed than Benson ever will. Rhodes is just a nice back-up. That's it.

Great Googly-Moogly

2007-01-22T12:23:00.000-06:00

Wow. What a day for the NFL. The Bears are back in the Super Bowl, Peyton has (temporarily) removed the monkey from his back and Bill Parcells is no longer head coach of the Cowboys. So here are my quick-hit thoughts on the last 24 hours in football:

I realize this is far and away the least important thing to come out of yesterday's games, but will somebody please tell Phil Simms that the Patriots' big-play cornerback is Asante Samuel, not Asante Samuels. Seriously, the guy was only the MVP of the first quarter and a half of that game and will likely be one of the most sought-after players in free agency this off-season. How can you not know his last name? And this wasn't a one-time mistake either. Simms must have butchered it half a dozen times at least. So until he gets it right, Phil Simms is now Phil Simm. And what do you know, Phil Simm will be announcing this year's Super Bowl. Fantastic. Hopefully Brian Urlachers and Marvin Harrisons will step up and seize their moment in the spotlight.

You Might Want to Learn This Guy's Name, Phil

Classic Madden jinx moment during the Pats-Colts game. New England had just gone up 21-3 when I received a text message from a Patriot super-fan. She wanted me to title this morning's entry "Quintessential Colts choke". Five minutes later, the Pats received back-to-back penalties, nullifying a first down inside the Indy 20 and costing New England a shot at a field goal. You all know the story from there. Let this warning be heard throughout the entire sports universe: The Madden jinx is real. So real, in fact, that you don't even have to be playing Madden for it to strike. Just do me a favor from here on out. Don't start talking trash until the clock reads 00:00. It will save us all a bunch of pain and heartache.

Speaking of Pats' penalties, how about New England getting whistled for having 12 men in the huddle as they were getting ready to begin what could have been their salt-it-away drive? I know the Pats were beat up and I know their personnel losses over the years seem to have caught up to them. But you just don't see a Bill Belichick team make those kinds of dumb plays when it's crunch time. As much as Indianapolis won that game, New England choked it away. And don't even get me started on Reche "don't call me Gollum" Caldwell. How'd you like to run into him in a dark alley someday? Wouldn't surprise me if he's trying to catch some fishes as we speak. Of course, that would mean he'd actually have to catch something.

Even Gollum thinks your eyes are freaky, Reche

Don't want to take anything away from what Indianapolis did, though. They had every opportunity to roll over and die, yet they never flinched. Heck, I thought they were done as soon as the Pats caught the break of the year by recovering that fumble in the endzone. Manning made a ton of big plays and did what he had to do. But how about that Colts' defense? Yes, they gave up 27 points (they can't be blamed for the pick-6 Peyton threw) but they didn't allow New England to hammer the ball down their throats when the Pats were playing with a lead. In fact, for the third straight game Indy help an opponent to less than 100 yards rushing... after not accomplishing it ONCE during the regular season. Unbelievable.

Did anyone else feel that game resembled the Texas-USC Rose Bowl classic? Although no one stepped forward to deliver a truly sublime VY-esque performance, there were plenty of similarities which produced, for me at least, the same sort of chills and shout-out-loud moments that defined 2006's Game of the Year.

I'm sure we'll hear a lot of talk in the next couple weeks about how Peyton finally has removed the choker label. Poppycock. If the Colts lose to the Bears (currently, a 7 point underdog), the A-Rod comparisons will ring louder than ever. Fair or not, the pressure is still firmly on the artist formerly (for now) known as Mr. Peepee.

"Sometimes when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms..."

Speaking of the Bears, they were who we thought they were! A swarming play-making defense and a ball-control offense that can put a surprising number of points on the board. Honestly, I was stunned at how many people picked the Saints to win this weekend. The Bears obviously heard the hype and came out ready to prove a point of their own. So I imagine Chicago fans have to be thrilled knowing they're heavy underdogs in Miami as well. And that will only be compounded by the fact Peyton is going to receive at least 75% of the Super Bowl coverage. Ugh. I hate Super Bowl hype.

As for those aforementioned Bears' fans, they keep giving me grief because I said they had "no chance" to win it all. Allow me to clarify (without backtracking). In a one game setting, ANY team can beat another. I mean, this is the NFL. Crazy things happen every week. You think I don't know this? One month ago, the TEXANS beat the Colts. So of course Chicago can win. Having said that, I completely believe they won't and I wanted to emphasize that fact. Keep in mind, I did predict them to beat New Orleans. But I didn't think they could beat Indy or New England and I still don't. Why? I'm glad you asked.

Of course, it's all about Grossman. Check the stats. The guy has not played three consecutive good games all year. What makes you think he's capable of that now (not to say these last two games have been "good" for Grossman, but you know what I mean)? Now, I will say this: Chicago has proven they can make up for Rexy's mistakes and win anyway. But they're not playing the Cardinals here. This is the Super Bowl. You can't hide your quarterback. At some point, Rex will be asked to make plays and I don't see him having much success in that department. But hey, I'll be the first to admit I've been wrong before. Especially when it comes to players with ties to the University of Florida.

You know what scares me about Grossman (besides everything)? He had one good drive yesterday. This, despite the fact New Orleans sold out to stop the run the entire second half. What happens when you sell out like that? It leaves your secondary matched-up one-on-one. But it still took Rex a full quarter to move the football and make some plays. And did you happen to see what Rex did on that drive? He immediately locked onto his target and never looked away. It worked out for him, sure. But that's the kind of rookie mistake that has gotten him into trouble this season. And as Phil Simm told us about one hundred times yesterday, the Colts' secondary LOVES to read the quarterback's eyes. Just throwing that out there.

How Have I Made It This Far with This Guy at QB?

Lest I come across as merely a Bears-basher, I do think Chicago will give Indy all it can handle (unless Rex duplicates his Arizona game and I don't foresee the coaches allowing that to happen). I think Devin Hester is almost a lock to produce a big play (especially when you consider what Ellis Hobbs did to the Colts' special teams) and Chicago's D should be able to force some turnovers too. This match-up definitely resembles the New England-St. Louis shocker from 2002. And like that game, I think Adam Vinatieri will provide the winning points.

As for the Saints, my worst fears became a reality. Sean Payton completed his transformation into Mike Martz and decided he had no use for running the football, despite a solid O-line that cleared Rose O'Donnell-sized holes for Reggie Bush and Deuce McCallister the week before. Look, I know the Bears are susceptible to the pass, but you at least have to make them respect the run a little. Sometimes I think offensive-minded coaches (like Payton) can out-smart themselves when they have too many weapons at their disposal.

With Holes This Large, Why Not Run the Ball?

Regarding Reggie Bush, what can you say? Sure, he looked breathtaking on that 88 yard catch and run. So what? A real athlete like Mario Williams would have run over Brian Urlacher instead of pointing at him and then finished off the score with a triple salchow as opposed to a little fruity flip. Reggie sucks. Mario rules.

Flips are for Pansies

Finally, the Big Tuna. No surprise here. You could see the writing on the wall as soon as his name was linked to the Giants then-vacant GM job. Sure, Parcells vehemently denied his interest, but are we really supposed to believe coaches these days? What was he supposed to say? As for possible replacements, big names like Bob Stoops and Jeff Fisher have been mentioned and I suspect Jerry Jones will want to make a splash with whomever he chooses. As for dark horses, how about Mike Singletary? I know he won't even get a sniff, but I'd love to see him coaching my team some day.

Week 3 picks:

Straight up: 2-0
Against the Spread: 2-0

Aggregate:

Straight up: 7-3
Against the Spread: 6-4

Why I Control the Sports Universe

2007-01-18T16:47:00.000-06:00

News flash: We live in a very selfish, self-absorbed world. Sure, we pay lip service to high-minded ideals such as human rights and world peace, but at the end of the day all we really want are our Hummers and High-def TVs. No, it's not something to be proud of, but it is the truth. However, there's no reason to beat yourself up about it. Because as bad as you may be, I'm here to tell you that I'm even worse. Want proof? Try this on for size: I am so egotistical and self-absorbed that I fervently believe my predictions and picks can alter the sports universe. How else to explain Peyton Manning's presence in this year's AFC championship game?

As I've touched on in previous posts, I believed Manning and the Colts would be Super Bowl champs in years past. In fact, I'm pretty sure I predicted a title for Indianapolis every year since 2003. But after Mr. Peepee (Playoff Peyton) and the idiot kicker conspired to sabotage last year's postseason game against Pittsburgh, I promised myself I was off the Colts' bandwagon for good. And now here I am, one year later, incredulously watching Indy defy football logic by advancing to within 60 minutes of the NFL's biggest stage.

How did this happen? In practically every respect, this Colts' team is inferior to the one that started last season 13-0. Their defense is worse. Peyton has played poorly (again) in the playoffs. Joseph Addai is a very solid running back, but you can't honestly tell me he's better than Edgerrin James. Now, Indy did replace Vanderchump with Adam Vinatieri, so that's obviously a major upgrade. But Adam hasn't been a true difference maker... yet. So what brought about this cosmic shift in the NFL universe? There's only one logical conclusion: I stopped predicting victory parades in downtown Indianapolis.

Well get ready, Colt fans, because I'm ready to put my self-absorbed theory to the ultimate test. That's right, I'm back on the bandwagon, baby! The Colts have homefield advantage, favorable match-ups and me riding shotgun. Can you handle that sort of pressure, Peyton? Let's see how good you really are, you 6' 5'', 235 pound, laser-rocket armed stud.

Uh oh. Peyton just heard Jason's back on the Indy bandwagon

COLTS (-3) over Pats

Seriously. How on earth can the Colts possibly lose this game? They've beaten the Pats twice in a row (in the regular season, to be fair) so that monkey should at least be somewhat dislodged from their backs. Their defense is playing out of its mind (although Indy's playoff wins came against a pair of rather inept offenses). And New England's secondary appears ripe for the picking (once again) thanks to a rash of injuries at the safety position. Sure, Brady and Belichick are as menacing as a pissed-off Jack Bauer, but even Jack lets the bad guys win at least a round or two, just to make things interesting. So think of this as Indy's opportunity to unleash a nuke before the Pats return to kick-ass and set things straight down the line (i.e. next season).

Having said that, this thought still sticks in my craw: When the Colts and Pats faced-off earlier this season, I fully expected Indy to win because I figured New England would hide its best cards, knowing a rematch in the playoffs was imminent. Sure enough, the Patriots displayed a rather plain-vanilla gameplan and produced a half-hearted effort which led to a not-nearly-as-close-as-the-score-indicated 27-20 defeat. This time around, I expect the Pats to really make an effort to pound the football with Maroney and Dillon, knowing full well they don't have the firepower to win a high-scoring game with the Colts. Defensively, I'm sure we'll see plenty of zone-blitz schemes from Belichick and co. in order to test Mr. Peepee's patience and to (hopefully) pound him into submission.

But will it work? Certainly, it can... especially if the Patriots jump out to an early lead and really apply the pressure (to Manning, Dungy and the entire RCA Dome). But I just don't see that happening this week. Believe it or not, I actually think Peyton is going to carve up the Pats and enjoy a HUGE day emotionally and statistically. After all, this might be his final opportunity to summon the sports-spirit of MJ and overcome his nemesis New England the same way Jordan punished the Pistons for making him wait his turn atop the NBA mountain. But just remember two things: 1.) Mr. Peepee is involved. 2.) I'm backing him (again). What can I say? Some people never learn.

Colts 31 - Pats 17

Damn it, Chloe, why are you still on my show?!?

BEARS (-2 1/2) over Saints

I'm going to apologize in advance for giving the NFC the short end of the content stick here. Trust me, it's not from lack of interest on my part. Because the truth is, while the AFC title game provides the week's marquee match-up, I'm actually more emotionally invested in the Saints-Bears tilt. Like most Americans whose clubs have already been eliminated from Super Bowl contention, I've designated New Orleans as my interim team of choice. Plus, Reggie Bush's siren song still tugs at my heart strings when I think about his name on the back of a Texans' jersey.

Nonetheless, I find myself at a loss for words when it comes time to breakdown this match-up. Yes, the Bears' defense needs to return to form for Chicago to send the fans home happy. Yes, New Orleans needs to do everything within its power to keep Fred Thomas far away from Bears' deep-threat, Bernard Berrian. And, yes, Rex Grossman needs to summon his inner Trent Dilfer and just stay the hell out of the way.

But to me, this pick 'em game comes down to one thing: Sean Payton's transformation into Mike Martz. Watching the Saints' game last week, I was shocked at how Payton seemed disinclined to hammer the Eagles' defense with Deuce McCallister, despite the fact Deuce was devouring Philly, 7 yard chunks at a time. I know the Saints have thrived thanks to Payton's aggressive play-calling, but maybe he's let the "offensive genius" label go to his head (ala Mike Martz). Hey, I'm all for sophisticated, cutting-edge passing attacks, but sometimes you just have to line up and punish the guys in front of you. Does Payton possess the discipline to know when to go medieval on the Bears' collective posteriors? We should find out this Sunday. Frankly, I'm more than a wee bit skeptical.

Mini-Martz, stop humping the laser

It comes down to this: As good as Drew Brees has been this year, I think New Orleans has to win this game on the ground, not through the air. The Bears are vulnerable up the middle. But I just have this sneaky suspicion that Payton is going to outsmart himself and cost his team a trip to Miami. After all, there's no way we can have two Mr. Peepees (Peyton and Payton) in the Super Bowl, can we? I just don't think the world is ready for that.

Bears 20 - Saints 17

By the way, yes, I realize the Saints were my Super Bowl pick before the playoffs began. But, hey, as long as I'm cursing Peyton and the Colts by jumping back on their bandwagon, I figured I might as well reverse-jinx my adopted team, New Orleans, and give them a puncher's chance. Whatever happens, I win. What else could the world's most selfish, self-absorbed person ask for?

The Morning After

2007-01-15T12:35:00.000-06:00

Stream of consciousness thoughts on this weekend's action:

Indy-Baltimore: What can I say? I can't believe I fell for the Ravens' act. All year long, I've bashed them as pretenders. I've railed against Steve McNair and that offense, saying their come-from-behind wins usually masked 3 and a half quarters of piss-poor effort. But that's just the venom of a spurned prognosticator. Here are the facts: Baltimore won this year thanks to a first-class defense, an opportunistic offense and a little luck (Just as they did in 2001). Let's face it, for the most part, their D came though on Saturday. They kept the Colts out of the endzone and picked Peyton twice. But they didn't get the offense and they REALLY didn't receive any luck. By my count, the Ravens cost themselves three more forced turnovers. We all know about Ray Lewis deflecting two sure interceptions, but how about Joseph Addai's fumble that saw two Ravens fight over the ball, only to boot it away from each other and into the hands of an Indy player. Even with a no-show from the offense, Baltimore could have won that game.

As for the Colts, I'm in shock. Two mediocre efforts from Mr. Peepee and yet Indianapolis is still alive and looking like the favorite to win it all. I'm speechless. Yes, the Indy defense is showing signs of life, but let's remember they've only managed to slow down two rather pedestrian offenses. However, I will give full marks to the Colts' offensive line. I thought they did a remarkable job of giving Peyton time and creating running room (especially down the stretch). I really expected Manning to take a beating in this game, but he managed to come away from it fairly unscathed... which makes his sub-par performance even more perplexing (until I remember his January alter-ego, of course).

Where are you hiding that other horseshoe, Peyton?

Saints-Eagles

To me, there was one MAJOR development to come out of this game: That is, Sean Payton's metamorphosis into Mike Martz. Look, I'm all for aggressive play-calling. I love it. But did anyone else get Martz flashbacks when Payton seemingly forgot Deuce McCallister was murdering the Eagles' defense? And how about that fumbled option-pitch to Reggie Bush? I think the Saints have all the ingredients necessary to win it all. I mean, sure they have weaknesses defensively, but what team doesn't right now? But I'm positively petrified that we could see the birth of another Mr. Peepee in the coming weeks.

Mr. Peepee version 2.0?

Bears-Seahawks

Here's what would really concern me if I were a Bears' fan right now: That defense is NOTHING like it was the first half of the season. I gave them the benefit of the doubt during the final month because I felt like this team was on cruise control. But Seattle, whose running game had been below average all season, found some gaping holes in the second half. What will Deuce do with those this week?

As for Sexy, I figured he'd play well and he did. But at some point, be it this week or in the Super Bowl, he's going to drop a deuce on the field. And if the Bears' D doesn't come around, I'm afraid there's just no way Chicago can hoist the Lombardi trophy. In fact, in this wide-open final four, I'd say Chicago is the ONLY team out of the group I can't see winning it all... which is probably the best news the Windy City has heard in ages.

Good news, guys. Jason says you don't have a prayer

Pats-Chargers

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever trust a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team in the playoffs. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING favored San Diego in that game. Now, I'm not saying Marty gagged it singlehandedly. But how many times has he had the superior team AND homefield in the post-season and come away empty-handed?

New England had no business winning this game. Tom Brady was HORRIBLE except for the drives he orchestrated at the end of the first and second halves. And I guess that's what makes him great. Just a stunning turn of events... until I remember Marty was prominently involved and it somehow all makes sense.

Week 2 picks:

Straight up: 2-2
Against the spread: 1-3

Aggregate:

Straight up: 5-3
Against the spread: 4-4

NFL Playoff Preview and Predictions (Round Two)

2007-01-11T18:50:00.000-06:00

We've all heard about the Madden cover curse. Its list of victims has been well documented. But today I'm here to discuss something much less-publicized, yet perhaps more problematic, simply because it affects far more people. You see, the only person who suffers from the Madden Curse is the ill-fated player whose image appears on the case (well, and his teammates, coaches and fans, but just work with me here). But the problem I'm going to reveal negatively impacts every single person who plays the game. My friends call it the Madden Jinx (admittedly, not our most creative moniker, to be sure) . It won't cause you to inexplicably tear your ACL, but it will cause unjust misery and frustration.

Here's how I first learned about this malevolent phenomenon: I was sitting down to play a friendly game of Madden. The sun was shining, the ducks were quacking, life couldn't be better. I can't recall my team, but I do remember my opponent was Indianapolis. Tough match-up, considering the Colts' offensive arsenal and Peyton's enormous cone. But you know who I wasn't afraid of? Some dude named Aaron Moorehead. I brazenly told my friend as much. And that was when I unknowingly brought the Madden Jinx into play. No, it didn't manifest itself immediately. The Madden Jinx is far too tricksy for that. It waited until it could really inflict some serious damage; like on 3rd and 18 with the game hanging in the balance. Do I even need to tell you who caught the ball for 19 yards, picked up a first down and triggered a tantrum the likes of which I haven't thrown since I was two?

Even Gollum thinks Aaron Moorehead is too tricksy for his own good

I HATE Aaron Moorehead. Never met the guy, probably couldn't pick him out of a police lineup. But if I ever ran into him on the street (and actually recognized him), I'd immediately ask him, "What's the capital of Thailand?" and proceed to unleash 3 years of fury and frustration. Yes, I have deep-seeded issues. But that's not the point. The Madden Jinx is real. The list of players I've been burned by is endless; Reggie Williams, Wes Welker and Bethel Johnson come to mind. I'm sure you have your own list.

So why do I bring this up? For two reasons. One, I' might have casually mentioned how the Fez Theory was going to change the world in 2007 while playing a game of Madden just hours before the national championship game Monday night. We all know how that turned out. And two, despite all the star power on display this weekend, don't underestimate the unknown little guy. You never know when they might steal the show. Except for that good-for-nothing, Aaron Moorehead. That punk's going down.

Anyway, on with the picks:

RAVENS (-4) over Colts

If you've been reading this blog at all, you know how I feel about the Colts' chances in January. And no, it has nothing to do with Aaron Morehead. But it does have EVERYTHING to do with Mr. Peepee. We got a good glimpse of Playoff Peyton last week and I suspect we're going to get a close-up view this time around. By now, I'm sure you've heard about Manning's struggles with the 3-4 defense. And I'm sure you know that Indy's D can't exactly be counted on to bail him out if he delivers a sub-par performance. This one is just so obvious that it almost scares me. Then I remember that Peepee, Indy's run D and Tony Dungy (not exactly known for his playoff acumen either) are involved and I'm able to relax, kick-back and confidently sip my mojito. Just kidding. I only drink manly drinks. Like french vanilla hazelnut lattes.

Baltimore 23 - Indy 7

SAINTS (-5) over Eagles

Here's where my confidence starts to waver. So let's lay out the facts:

Fact: The Superdome will be the site of the NFL's best home crowd of the season this Saturday.
Fact: The Saints never amount to anything in the playoffs.
Fact: The Eagles specialize in getting their fans' hopes up, only to viciously crush them at the most inopportune time.
Fact: The Saints won the first meeting between these two clubs, 27-24 in week 6.
Fact: 75% of the teams which appear in the Superbowl finished the regular season either 5-1 or 6-0 (which favors Philly, obviously)

That's about it. That's all we really know for sure. We know Jeff Garcia is prominently involved, but we don't know for sure when his Kurt Warner-esque deal with the devil expires. We know both defenses can force turnovers, but are also susceptible to the big play.

Here's my thing: I definitely think the Saints are going to win. I believe the sure-to-be-insane home crowd is worth at least a touchdown. I believe Deuce and Reggie should be able to gash the Eagles front seven and that Drew Brees is good for a couple scores. If New Orleans gets up by two TDs, look out; the crowd and the Saints' defense will turn into a feeding frenzy. Screw it, I'm a believer (which is probably the worst thing I could do to New Orleans right now).

Saints 31 - Philadelphia 17

BEARS (-8 1/2) over Seahawks

You want to know why my picks are doomed this week? Because in the year of the underdog, I'm hammering the favorites. But I can't help it. Honestly, I don't see how Seattle keeps this game anywhere close to respectable. Yes, on paper they have the weapons necessary to not only compete, but to win. And yes, Sexy Rexy is always capable of posting another 0.0 QB rating. But here's the thing: I said it last week and I'll say it again. Seattle hasn't been in sync since day one. Why on earth would it all come together now? I just don't see it.

Believe it or not, I actually think Rex will play well and the Bears' defense and special teams will take care of the rest. For this week, at least.

Bears 24 - Seahawks 3

Better to take a dump during the press conference than during the game, Rex

Patriots (+4 1/2) over CHARGERS

Well, here it is. Quite possibly the game of the season. Way too many subplots to go into here and besides, you're probably already sick of hearing about them since the hype machine seems to have started a couple weeks early this year.

Like a blockbuster movie I'm anxiously anticipating, I don't want to ruin this one by overwhelming myself with spoilers and endless talk. I want to approach it on my own terms with an empty slate so I can enjoy it for what it is: a great match-up.

So I'll keep it simple. I love Tom Brady and LaDainian Tomlinson. I think Marty Schottenheimer is a choker and Bill Belichick is a genius. I believe Shawn Merriman is a force of nature and Mike Vrabel is a warrior.

The general public seems to side with the Pats. I don't blame them. But I'm picking the Chargers to win, just not to cover. Which is beyond stupid, because I'm not sure how anyone can trust Marty in a close game against Brady and Belichick. But hey, I'm dumb. And, yes, I made that last statement hoping beyond hope that the Madden Jinx works in reverse.

San Diego 24 - New England 21

2007 NFL Mock Draft (1st Edition)

2007-01-10T16:27:00.000-06:00

Sure it's only January and the playoffs are just getting underway, but it's never too early to start talking about the NFL draft (especially if you're one of the poor, unfortunate souls who considers yourself a Texans' fan). Besides, what other non-sporting sports event receives this much attention? Football fans just can't get enough when it comes to the draft. So without further adieu, here is my foray into this April's fun-fest. Keep in mind, with the combine, individual workouts and all-star games things are bound to change a great deal in the coming months. As for underclassmen, I'm including those who have already declared as well as those whom I think will be throwing their names in the hat any day now.

x -- still to be determined by coin flip
y -- still to be determined by playoffs
+ -- underclassman

Are you sure you want to come out this year, JaMarcus?

1. Oakland Raiders (2-14)
+ JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU

This one seems like a no-brainer. True, Russell was blessed when he got to showcase his prodigious arm against Notre Dame's powder-puff defense. And there's no question he struggled at times against the more stout defenses of the SEC. But he possesses the highest upside of any quarterback in this draft and we all know how much the Raiders love big-armed QBs. The question is, will Oakland ruin Russell's career before it even begins?

2. Detroit Lions (3-13)
Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

Another slam-dunk. Funny, that Detroit took some heat for winning its final game of the season and seemingly blowing its shot to draft Quinn. But thanks to the Sugar Bowl, they're going to get him anyway. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think Quinn has bust written all over him. That's just me. And wouldn't it be funny if, after years of selecting first round wide receivers, the Lions pass on this year's stud, Calvin Johnson, and he ends up making them regret it in the end?

3. x-Cleveland Browns (4-12)
+ Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

This is where things start getting a little dicey. The Browns have all kinds of needs, like pretty much every 4-12 team in the history of the NFL. They want a QB (do you trust Chaz Frye?), but there isn't one available here. This could be Johnson, a D-lineman or OT Joe Thomas. But, for now, I think Peterson's mix of size and speed will be too hard to pass up. One thing to watch out for with regards to Peterson: There are whispers circulating that his body might have more wear and tear than originally thought. If so, his stock would obviously fall.

4. x-Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12)
Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

Johnson will be very tempting here, but Tampa's O-line is a disgrace and has been for years. Thomas is clearly the cream of the crop and there would be a LONG list of suitors if the Bucs decide they want to trade down.

5. Arizona Cardinals (5-11)
Alan Branch, DT, Michigan

Johnson is clearly the best player left on the board but the Cardinals can't possibly take him with Fitzgerald and Boldin already on board. The guy they really need, Thomas, is already gone so this is a prime trade down spot. But if they keep the pick, they could do a lot worse than a 330 pound playmaker like Alan Branch.

6. Washington Redskins (5-11)
+ Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Johnson is the obvious pick here. After spending way too much money to resurrect the Smurfs in D.C., Joe Gibbs and co. wise up and select this 6' 5'', 235 pound stud from Georgia Tech.

7. Minnesota Vikings (6-10)
+ Gaines Adams, DE, Georgia

So if running the ball and stopping the run are the keys to success in the NFL, how come the Vikings, who did both, finished 6-10? For one thing, they couldn't rush the passer and Adams would certainly help in that regard. Of course, Minnesota needs help at the WR and safety positions too, so Dwayne Jarrett, Sidney Rice and LaRon Landry are also possibilities here.

8. Houston Texans (6-10)
+ Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU

Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't the Texans draft a D-lineman in the first round for the fourth year in a row! Get excited, fans! Seriously though, Houston still needs help in the trenches and Dorsey is a beast who would clog up the middle and help DeMeco Ryans become even more of a playmaker at MLB. Obviously, the Texans need O-line help, but there just isn't anyone here worth grabbing. the aforementioned Landry is also a possibility. Oh, and I should add that many mock drafts have Adrian Peterson falling to the Texans. It's possible, when you consider how few of the top 7 teams need RB help, but I'm not buying it... yet.

Another D-lineman in the 1st round! Yay!

9. Miami Dolphins (6-10)
LaRon Landry, S, LSU

We've mentioned him twice already, so might as well slide Landry into the 9 slot. Say what you will about Nick Saban, but he obviously saw the writing on the wall with this aging group and got the heck out of dodge before the poop really hit the fan. The Fish need a boatload of help.

10. Atlanta (7-9)
+ Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC

I know they've already invested so much in the WR position, but at some point they have to get Mike Vick someone who can actually hold onto the ball. Dwayne Jarrett should fit the bill as long as he doesn't go on the Mike Williams diet plan upon entering the league.

11. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville

The 'Niners need help on defense, so why not add a 19 year old building block? That's right, this kid has already graduated and won't turn 20 until June. One of the best stories going right now.

12. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
Leon Hall, CB, Michigan

Hall would help form a very nice Big Ten CB pair with the already established Nate Clements (who's an Ohio St. grad). Wait a second... A Big 10 pair? In the secondary? Maybe that's not such a great thing after all.

13. St. Louis Rams (8-8)
+ Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas

Very possible Anderson is off the board already by this point. But if he's still here, the Rams would love to put him opposite Leonard Little.

14. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
Levi Brown, OT, Penn State

Brown is a bit of a reach here, but the Panthers really need to solidify their offensive line.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)
Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska

A quick and powerful 290 pound defensive end, Carriker can help breathe some life back to the Steelers' pass rush.

16. Green Bay Packers (8-8)
+ Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal

Hard to believe Ahman Green has much more left in the tank. So why not bring in Lynch, and do what New England did with Maroney and Dillon this year?

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8)
+ Ted Ginn Jr., WR, Ohio State

Considering the NFL's infatuation with speed, it's hard to imagine Ginn slipping this far. But he's not a great route runner (yet), so he still has much to prove when it comes to showing he can be a legitimate number one WR at the pro level.

Try to avoid those nasty endzone celebrations okay, Teddy?

18. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8)
Quentin Moses, DE/OLB, Georgia

Who knows whether Odell Thurman will return to the Bengals, so why not replace him with another, more well-behaved Georgia grad?

19. Tennessee Titans (8-8)
+ Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina

It's time to get VY some help on the edge and Rice would be a nice fit. If Jarrett slips (a definite possibility), he's another option here.

20. New York Giants (8-8)
+ Darrell Revis, CB, Pittsburgh

The Giants' secondary is a mess and it's time to retool. Revis would be a solid start.

21. Denver Broncos (9-7)
+ Reggie Nelson, S, Florida

Nelson is one of the biggest defensive playmakers in this draft. You better believe the Cowboys would love to get him, so don't be surprised if they make a play to move up and ensure his services.

22. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)
Tank Tyler, DT, North Carolina State

You can never have too many stout defensive linemen. Just look what happened to Dallas when Greg Ellis got hurt.

23. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)
Deymeion Hughes, CB, Cal

The Chiefs desperately need to upgrade their talent at WR. But the only remaining wide-out who fits here would be Notre Dame's Jeff Samardzija. Just one problem; he wants to play baseball and football. Are you really going to use the 23rd pick him then? I'm guessing no, but K.C. might go ahead and roll the dice.

24. y- New England Patriots (from Seattle)
+ Jarvis Moss, DE/OLB, Florida

Just a perfect fit for the Pats' 3-4. Would be a great addition, especially with Bruschi and Vrabel aging.

25. New York Jets (10-6)
Kenny Irons, RB, Auburn

Jets have got to enlist some help in the backfield. I'm not crazy about Irons, but he's the top-rated RB available at this point.

26. y- New Orleans Saints (10-6)
Patrick Willis, ILB, Ole Miss

Saints offense is loaded so now it's time to take care of the D. Willis is the best LB in a weak class.

27. y- Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State

Eagles always love to stock up on good corners.

28. y- New England Patriots (12-4)
LaMarr Woodley, DE/OLB, Michigan

If the Patriots get Moss AND Woodley in this draft, look out.

29. y- Indianapolis Colts (12-4)
+ Lawrence Timmons, OLB, Florida State

Timmons can run like the wind and we all know how much Tony Dungy values speed on defense.

30. y- Chicago Bears (13-3)
Zach Miller, TE, Arizona State

Bears don't really have a lot of holes (except for their QB). Since they can't replace Sexy (unless they want a statue like Brian Brohm), they might as well give him another target. One other thing: I originally had Samardzija's slide ending here, but since the Cubs' own his baseball rights, that just seemed too weird. But who knows, it might actually work.

31. y- Baltimore Ravens (13-3)
Justin Blalock, OT/OG, Texas

Another team that can truly take the "best available". Good chance to solidify the offensive line or find Jamal Lewis's replacement if there's an RB they like.

32. y- San Diego Chargers (14-2)
Jeff Samardzija, WR, Notre Dame

Chargers need help at WR and in the secondary. If Samardzija is still on the board, his slide ends here.

Lots more draft stuff to come in the near future. Also, weeks 2 playoff predictions and analysis will be posted by Friday morning. Feel free to post your own thoughts and comments. And finally, I promise there will be plenty of basketball and baseball columns at some point. But it's football time right now, ya know?

Live Journal of the BS Title Game

2007-01-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

7:35 PM

Welcome to the first-ever C.C.C. live journal! Dare I say, I told you so? Obviously, it's way too early to declare the Buckeyes national champs, but what a start! Ted Ginn looks like he wants to be a top ten pick this April (although did anyone else see Aaron Gant's hold on Reggie Nelson?). And layoffs??? Are we talking layoffs??? Doesn't look like it hurt OSU too much, did it?

7:49 PM

Nice answer from Florida. Gotta give it up the Gators on that drive. A three-and-out on their opening drive would have been killer. Do we have a game on our hands? For my credibility (and that of the Fez theory), I sure hope not.

8:01

Deja vu. One year after replay failed to overturn a Vince Young touchdown (when his knee was clearly down), the refs blow it again on Percy Harvin's 4 yard plunge. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably insignificant, but you can't help but wonder how these mistakes are made on the biggest stage. 14-7, Florida. Time for Troy Smith to step up. His draft status (and subsequent millions) depend upon it.

8:21 PM

21-7, Florida, one play into the 2nd quarter. The difference so far: Chris Leak has all day to throw while Troy Smith is getting harassed and looking like Vinny Testeverde. To top it all off, Ohio State is looking like a plodding Big 10 team (it doesn't help that Ted Ginn is injured)... just like Michigan against USC. The Buckeyes need to answer NOW.

We're all lamenting the quick death of the Fez theory

8:27 PM

OSU comes through right on cue. I've been waiting for their running game to get going and Antonio Pittman delivered. Be interesting to see how he rates come draft day. We need some help here in Houston, Tony. Although don't bother if Adrian Peterson falls into our laps (not likely). 21-14, Gators.

8:41

The Buckeyes finally apply some pressure to Leak and what do you know? The Gators punt for the first time. It's become pretty clear OSU will lose this game if they don't get in Leak's face. Of course, you have to worry about Harvin breaking a big play if Ohio State is forced to constantly blitz. One other thing: Why weren't the Gators called for delay of game on that drive? And why weren't the announcers all over this? That's two obvious calls they've missed now.

8:46

I never would have picked OSU to win if I knew Jason White was going to be their starting quarterback.

8:56

Ohio State apparently learned nothing from USC's weak 4th and 1 call last year. I think I'm about to kill Fez and I imagine Ohio State backers everywhere will be more than happy to bury him too at this point. The only possible salvation I see at this point for the Buckeyes is if Chris Leak remember who he is. When rotten field goal kickers are drilling 43 yarders, you know you're in BIG trouble. Check that, when rotten field goal kickers are drilling two from 40+, you know you're pretty much finished. Do you think Tony Romo watched those two kicks, buried his head into Carrie Underwood's bosom and dissolved into a canal of tears?

Hope you've got plenty of Kleenex handy, Carrie

9:09

Troy Smith fumbles. It's over, folks. This could get USC-Oklahoma circa 2005 ugly.

10:09

Sorry for the break. I can't remember whether I fell asleep, fell into a coma or fell into the grave I'm digging for Fez. What a disaster. Just a horrible game and a pathetic performance from the entire Buckeye team from the moment Ginn crossed the goal line.

As for Troy Smith, he went from being a possible top ten pick (with a sterling performance) to rounds 2 or 3. At least he still has this recommendation from a New York stripper on his resume:

"He will be a great pro. He's got it. He's a natural leader. I can tell."

Think they'll give Troy his third round signing bonus in singles?

10:19

Get ready to hear a lot about the so-called "Gator Slam". Florida now holds the national title in football and basketball. Wow. And how about Urban Meyer? Just an incredible offensive gameplan, especially when you consider how inconsistent this Gator team was on offense all year.

Last but not least, like 99% of every football game you'll see, this contest was won in the trenches. The Florida D-line dominated and their offensive linemen did a tremendous job keeping Chris Leak clean.

10:31

Final word goes to my man, K-Knight. "Here is the problem with the Fez theory: hot girls continue to bang Fez, even though they know what he's about. And right now, I think he could nail Troy Smith."

Monday Musings: Will They Ever Learn?

2007-01-08T17:40:00.000-06:00

Do you ever catch yourself wondering how professional sports owners actually became millionaires? I mean, surely they're a business-savvy lot who achieved success thanks to a boatload of clever, cunning decisions, right? So why on earth do they repeatedly make fools of themselves in the sports arena with bone-headed moves that show no sign of learning from past mistakes?

The latest example comes courtesy of Atlanta Falcons owner, Arthur Blank. Just days after kicking Jim Mora Jr. to the curb, Blank brought in former Louisville head coach, Bobby Petrino, to lead his team. An offensive specialist, Petrino will be asked not only to turn the Falcons around, but to rescue the career of Michael Vick as well, since he appears destined to go down as the game's all-time biggest tease at this point.

Sounds reasonable enough, so what's the problem? Well, if Blank bothered to look about 650 miles to the South last week, he'd know. Of course, that's when Miami got screwed over by Suzie-Lies-A-Lot, better known as Nick Saban. You see, like Saban, Petrino has made a habit of demanding loyalty and then showing none in return. His dalliances with Auburn and back room scheming at Louisville are well documented.

Now, I'll admit, coaches lying to players, faculty and the media is nothing new. And I don't begrudge anyone their right to earn a living and climb to the top of their chosen mountain. But if you dance with snakes, you're bound to get bit. And I'll go on record and tell you right now: In three years or less, after riding the Ron Mexico roller-coaster, Petrino will slither back to the college game, content with a fat check, blue-chip prospects and a brand-new messiah mask. Gotta hide those nostril-slits and that forked tongue somehow.

Is this man Lord Voldemort?

One other thought for the day: Predictably, I'm getting a little worried about choosing Baltimore to make a Super Bowl run. It seems their bandwagon is getting pretty crowded these days, which is never a good sign. On the plus side, I have absolutely no doubt they'll dispatch the Colts on Saturday. I'm just not sure the Ravens have what it takes to tackle New England, IF the Pats get past San Diego. And, while I haven't yet made up my mind, I do think Marty is completely capable of choking that game away. Whatever happens, Chargers/Pats should be one of the year's best match-ups. I can't wait.

Introducing the Fez Theory

2007-01-08T01:07:00.000-06:00

Your deal with the devil is about to expire, Wilmer

Alright, we all know the BS system is a crock and that college football continues to drop the ball with its decision to ignore the immense potential of a true playoff. But by now, we've witnessed the argument from every side imaginable, so there's no reason to further discuss it here. Instead, I'd like to tackle a sports phenomenon more mind-boggling than Wilmer Valderrama's ability to woo teenage Hollywood starlets. In fact, let's just go ahead and call it "The Fez theory". Basically, the Fez Theory occurs when a large percentage of the public talks themselves into taking the inferior team due to the interminable wait between the end of the college football regular season and the title game (and then again during the two week break before the Super Bowl). In essence, it happens whenever the general population has way too much time to analyze the possible outcomes for a behemoth sporting event.

And right on cue, we're watching the Fez theory weave its magic as the Fiesta Bowl approaches. It seems like everyone is talking themselves into picking a Florida upset. But why? All season long, Ohio State was (rightfully) recognized as the best team in the country. They displayed consistency, dominance and dispatched all comers with relative ease (take away Michigan's meaningless last second TD and you'd have another double digit victory). As for the Gators, sure, they played in college football's best conference, but their national title hopes weren't even taken seriously until USC threw away its invitation after gagging in the season finale.

The fact is, Florida does indeed have a great defense but its offense proved inconsistent against top-flight competition. I mean, have you seen Chris Leak play these last two years? You're really going to trust him to come through in the biggest game of the season? Even in Florida's BS-clinching victory over Arkansas, Leak did his best to throw the game away. Yet, now, the Gator-backers point to SEC superiority (overrated; the last three national champions came from the Big 12 and Pac-10, two conferences possessing nowhere near the depth of the SEC), Ohio State's ridiculously long layoff (also overrated; since both teams have been off for more than a month, do you really think the Buckeyes' extra 2 weeks makes that much of a difference?) and Florida's ability to match Ohio State's team speed (well, yeah, but that still doesn't account for the Buckeyes being a better club, overall).

Look, there are exceptions to the Fez theory. Just one year ago, Texas stunned seemingly unbeatable USC. And in 2002, New England shocked the football world by knocking off the high-powered Rams in Super Bowl 36. But take a look at the exceptions and here's what you'll find: Either a superstar player capable of winning a game by himself (i.e. Vince Young) or a serious coaching mismatch (Bill Belichick vs. Mike Martz. Ouch). So does Florida fit the bill? Certainly not at the superstar level. And last I checked, Jim Tressel takes a back seat to no one when it comes to coaching (and possibly cheating, too, but that's a story for another time).

You deserved so much more, Mandy

So when you're preparing to make your pick for tonight's big game, just think of our good buddy, Fez. Don't let the long layoff fool you into thinking Florida's better than it actually is. Chances are, Mandy Moore made the same mistake with Wilmer. She'd been out of the dating scene for awhile, heard a growing buzz about some over-hyped, B-list celeb, and the next thing you know tales of her virgin experiences were being blabbed over the airwaves. Stay away, my friends. Stay far away.

Ohio State 27 Florida 10

NFL Playoffs: Week 1 Wrap

2007-01-08T00:40:00.000-06:00

Well, we're down to the NFL's elite 8 and there weren't too many surprises along the way. Tom Brady was Tom Brady, Eli was Eli and Chad Pennington delighted everyone (or, me, at least) with one final "Noodles" cameo before calling it a season.

One thing I would like to add: If you're a NFL fan and have even the slightest interest in the Cowboys (good or bad), you owe it to yourself to spend at least 30 minutes surfing this website. It's absolutely brilliant from a comedic standpoint and while I'm thrilled the Cowboys' season is over, I'm sad to see it means the end of the best blog on the internet.

Don't be sad, Tony. You inspired the best blog on the internet.

My week 2 playoff breakdown will arrive later this week. In the meantime, check-in regularly for more musings.

Week 1 picks:
Straight up: 3-1
Against the Spread: 3-1

The Return of Mr. Peepee

2007-01-06T18:44:00.000-06:00

Mr. Peepee continues his campaign to make Ty Law a HOFer

Isn't it great to know that in today's wild, wacky and wholly unpredictable NFL, there are still some things you can count on? Imagine, then, how giddy I was today when Mr. Peepee (Playoff Peyton) arrived on the scene for his annual January choke-fest. True, the Colts survived Peyton's 3 horrendous picks, but is there anyone left on the planet who still believes Indy has a legitimate shot at a Super Bowl appearance this year? Hell, does anyone actually think they can beat the Ravens (in Baltimore) next week? Honestly, I'll be shocked if the Colts put up more than 14 points and Mr. Peepee doesn't add at least two more interceptions to his playoff portfolio.

Now, for those of you who think I'm just another Manning-hater, let me fill you in on a little secret: I used to defend Peyton all the time. At one point, I picked the Colts to win the Super Bowl 3 years in a row. And when they fell short, I always blamed his lackluster defense or a superior opponent with homefield advantage (aka, New England). I truly believed Peepee was better than Tom Brady. Check that, not just better, but head and shoulders above the Patriots' signal-caller. And then Peyton and company gagged at home against Pittsburgh last year and I swore up and down that I'd never trust Peyton in the playoffs again. I finally saw the light.

The sad thing is (if you're a Colts' fan, that is) that Peyton's title window might have closed already. Indy's veteran squad means a big cap number, thus severely limiting the Colts ability to make big moves via free agency in the future. Remember the Tennessee Titans circa 2001? They were coming off a Super Bowl appearance and followed that up by posting the league's best record. But instead of hoisting the Lombardi trophy, they ran into the Ravens' juggernaut and never got close to the big game again. A few years later, they had to blow the whole thing up and start over because their veteran club descended into salary cap hell.

The ironic thing is that one of the biggest problems facing the Colts in the future is the rise of those same Tennessee Titans. Vince Young has become a full-fledged force much more quickly than anyone expected and the Titans now have plenty of draft choices and money to burn once again. Then when you consider how nicely situated arch-nemesis, New England, seems to be (2 first round draft picks, cap space, Tom Brady and young stud, Laurence Maroney), it quickly becomes apparent that Indianapolis faces a steep uphill climb to remain among the AFC elite. Yes, time moves that quickly in today' NFL.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how much fun you have right, Brett?

But look on the bright side, Indy fan. I'm sure the Packers' faithful immensely enjoyed watching their own legend repeatedly lead Green Bay to the second round of the playoffs during the 2nd half of his career. And as for the rest of us, we'll take comfort in knowing we get to see Mr. Peepee again next week... and for many more Januaries to come.

The most wonderful time of the year

2007-01-05T16:58:00.000-06:00

Seriously, does it get any better than this? We're less than 24 hours away from the NFL playoffs getting started, the BS (You'll never see me refer to it as BCS) championship is almost here and the NBA and college basketball seasons are about to hit their respective strides. And, oh yeah, the 5 remaining hockey fans are loving life with the "new" NHL. Sweet!

Anyway, first things first. Let's break down this weekend's NFL match-ups. Since the Texans aren't within sniffing distance, I guess we might as well start with the Lone Star State's redheaded step-child, the Dallas Cowboys. For "entertainment purposes" only, I'll include the spread in all picks.

Cowboys (+2.5) over SEAHAWKS

Everybody knows Dallas comes into this game ice cold. Tony Romo looks human, Terrell Owens looks psycho and Bill Parcells looks tired and ready to eat an entire tub of Chunky Monkey. Throw in the fact that Seattle has the league's best home field advantage and a team (supposedly) hell-bent on defending its NFC title and you'd have to give the Seahawks a major edge, right? No way.

Here's the slogan for this year's NFL: What goes up, most come down (and vice versa). Or perhaps even more appropriate: Everything you know is wrong. Just when it looks like a team has their poop together, they fall flat on their faces. And just when you're ready to write someone off, they make like Lazarus. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule (as we'll see later on). But as much as I hate to say it, the Cowboys' arrow is about to head straight up again. Get the bandwagon ready.

Now, for those who need more than mere gut instinct, chew on this: Seattle is not exactly soaring into this game either. Their secondary is beat up (bad news when facing T.O. and Terry Glenn) and the 'Hawks' only win in the last 4 games came against the putrid pewter, otherwise known as Tampa Bay. Sure, Dallas's safeties can't cover Britney's crotch right now (although who can?) but they should be able to back off a little bit since Seattle's running game has been merely average all year.

Roy Williams taught Britney something about coverage

In the end, Mr. Carrie Underwood will rise to the occasion, T.O. will find paydirt and Marion Marber is going to score twice. Cowboys win 31-27 and analysts will immediately wonder if Dallas is going to duplicate Pittsburgh's feat from a year ago (they're not).

Giants (+7) over EAGLES

Now we come to the exception of the previously stated 2006 NFL slogan. The Giants are bound to bounce back, aren't they? I mean, in a pathetic NFC, wouldn't it be perfectly fitting to see them rise from the ashes and ride the Tiki Barber retirement express all the way to Miami? Too bad it's not going to happen.

Look, this team is a mess. You know it, I know it, even Mike Tyson knows it (assuming he can't get his hands on any blow in the joint). And all the Tiki-sentiment aside, at some point Eli Manning is going to have to complete a pass (to one of his teammates, that is). And do you really think Philly defensive coordinator, Jim Johnson, is going to let that happen? No way. Right now, li'l brudder Eli is quickly approaching Ozzie Canseco territory. Eagles give their fans one final week of happiness (before the obligatory heart-smashing occurs), 27-17.

COLTS (-7) over Chiefs

Larry Johnson vs. Indy's run defense. A match made in Colts' hell, right? LJ has to be good for at least 200 yards and 2 touchdowns, doesn't he? Here's the problem though: It's just too obvious. Today's NFL is just never that predictable.

Here's what I see: Indy jumps out to an early lead thanks to its own prolific offense, some drive-stalling Chief turnovers and crowd-induced penalties and all of a sudden, K.C. is playing catch-up instead of ball-control. At first, I was buying the hype and thinking this would be a tight game. But too many people are on board that train. Let's not forget, Kansas City was lucky to even qualify for post-season play. Colts in a yawn-fest, 34-13. And once again, get ready for NFL "experts" to declare that Peyton Manning can carry this team to a Super Bowl. As my main man, Chuck D, says, "Don't believe the hype"... or anything that comes out of Michael Irvin's mouth.

PATRIOTS (-8.5) over Jets

The easiest game to pick but the most difficult to handicap. There is absolutely no doubt the Patriots will win. None. But New York seems to know how to at least keep things close with New England. I really struggled with this one.

"Noodles" gets ready to unleash another 10 yard bomb

Now before I make my prediction, there's something you should know: Chad Pennington is my personal nemesis. His noodle arm kills me in Madden (either when I'm playing with him or against him) and it destroyed my beloved Texans this season as well. So I have no doubt he'll foil my pick this week just to prove he owns my football soul. But you know what, screw you, Chad Pennington. I'm not afraid of you or your chicken-noodle arm. You're throwing at least two picks and the Pats are cruising to a 24-7 victory. So there.

On tap for today...

2007-01-05T13:14:00.000-06:00

Update coming this evening. In the meantime, here's some good material to get you through the day as well as a preview of what's to come.

If you're looking for a villain in the BCS mess, here's your guy.

If you're wondering why I bailed on the Bears as my Super Bowl choice, this is a good place to start.

Hope my upcoming birthday doesn't distract you, Rexy

You can never go wrong with Bill Simmons.

And I'll provide a breakdown for this weekend's playoff match-ups.

NFL Playoff Preview and Predictions

2007-01-04T22:18:00.000-06:00

Now, before I make my playoff proclamations, I'll say that I've been predicting a Patriots-Bears Super Bowl all year. So of course, now that the playoffs are upon us, I'm changing my tune. All Bears' and Pats' fans can safely rejoice now that I've removed the Friedman hex from their teams.

I'll start with the AFC, where I see three teams with a shot at the Super Bowl. San Diego, check. Baltimore, check. But NO WAY, NO HOW does Indy go to the Big Game this year. Teams with an historically bad run defense don't win 3 games in the playoffs to make it to the Super Bowl. Throw in a quarterback who has a knack for gagging in January and their fate is sealed. Indy should take care of business in round one (although it probably won't be easy). But they'll be able to make their tropical island vacation plans shortly thereafter.

It's hard to play QB with two hands wrapped around your neck

So my third team? None other than the 3-time champion Patriots. Any team with Belichick, Tom Brady and a solid defense has a shot. And don't forget about that terrible twosome of Maroney and Dillon in the backfield. They should be able to somewhat make up for the fact that New England's WRs resemble a crew that seems more likely to start for the Amarillo Dusters. Now, I will say the Jets can give New England a hard time in round one. But no way "Noodles" Pennington will lead them to victory. The Jets are scrappy, but that doesn't mean they're good.

So why am I ditching the Pats as my super bowl pick? Well, I think they're geared more toward another title run in 2008 than 2007. They have two first round picks in the upcoming draft (was Deion Branch really worth it, Seattle?) and should be able to reload a bit on offense and defense. But for now, they're beat up (Losing Harrison hurts and Brady is aching too) and I just can't see them running the gauntlet in the tough AFC.

So that leaves the Chargers and Ravens. No doubt, San Diego is the best team in the NFL on paper. As stated in previous posts, their only weaknesses are secondary play (which is masked somewhat by a ferocious pass rush) and inexperience at QB. I think Rivers will be fine. But what really scares me is Marty Schottenheimer. The next time he wins a big January game will be his first. So like Mr. Peepee (Playoff Peyton), I won't believe he can get it done until I see it. I've just been burned too many times. So by process of elimination, that leaves the Ravens... a team I haven't believed in all season long. Welcome to the NFL, folks. The place where logic and reason come to die. I don't trust Baltimore at all, nor do I like them. So if I'm going to jinx a team, it might as well be them.

McNair and Billick discuss the Friedman hex

In the NFC, who knows? Or better yet, who cares? I thought Chicago would be able to hide Sexy Rexy at least until the Super Bowl by just riding its defense and special teams. I still don't understand why a team with Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson insists on throwing 30 times a game. But regular season trends tend to rear their ugly head in the playoffs, so you have to think the QB position will haunt Chicago sooner rather than later... especially since their banged (no pun intended, Tank Johnson)-up D is a shadow of what it was in the first half of the season.

Dallas has plenty of talent, but also has too much TO, too much burnt toast (aka, Roy Williams) and too much man-boobage courtesy of the Big Tuna. Oh, and their kicker is Martin Gramatica. No thanks.

Giants. Umm, no.

Philly? Another team that loves nothing more than raising the expectations of its fans only to gleefully rip their hearts out.

Seattle? They just never were able to put it all together this season. I don't expect that to change in the playoffs.

So once again, process of elimination leaves us with... New Orleans! Seriously, I'm picking the Saints??? When was the last time they won a big game? Oh that's right. Never. Yet here I am, not only picking them to make it to Miami, but also to win the whole damn thing. Why? Because the NFL never makes sense. And also because the only thing that would kill me more than watching Reggie Bush win a Super Bowl in year one would be watching Vince Young raise the Lombardi trophy. And if the Titans hadn't choked against the Pats this past Sunday, we may very well have seen it. Because I'm now convinced the only reason the NFL exists is to tear out my heart, stomp on it and then let out a hearty guffaw. Yes, I'm melodramatic and delusional. And perhaps a wee bit self-absorbed as well.

Saints 17 - Ravens 13.

MVP: Drew Brees

Get ready to see a lot more of this

Am I supposed to be excited now?

2006-12-26T23:16:00.000-06:00

Alright, let's get the Texans' stuff out of the way quickly. Sure, it was nice to get that 600 pound Colt off our back, but let's be honest here; that Indy run defense is one of the worst of all time. Between that defense and Peyton's annual choke-fest, the Colts aren't going anywhere important in January. And yes, that win did diminish Houston's upcoming draft standing, but how much good did tanking the end of least season do us? If you have good management, you can have a good draft no matter whether you're picking first of 31st. Now if only the Texans could procure a good management team...

On, and one other thing: Up until the midway point of this year, I've had David Carr's back from the beginning. I still say Houston did him no favors by providing him with one of the worst O-lines of all time and a dearth of weapons. But he is what he is at this point; like fellow Fresno State alum, Trent Dilfer, at best he is a game-manager, not a playmaker. And unless you possess an all-world defense, that's not going to take you too far in today's NFL. And for anyone who would like to see Houston burn to the ground, here's a suggestion: pray for a Saints-Titans Super Bowl. It's a long-shot, but this city would implode if it had to watch Vince and Reggie lead their teams to the promised land in year one.

I wish I knew how to quit you, David

Some other random NFL notes: I want to hear from you, Cowboy fans. Do you regret the T.O. signing yet? Seriously, am I the only one who thinks Dallas would be a better team right now if they had never signed him in the first place? But as a Cowboy and T.O.-hater, it sure is fun to watch him drag that team down at the first sign of trouble.

Another Cowboy note: I like Tony Romo. Think he has a future in this league. But man, give NFL defensive co-ordinators 4 weeks of game film to look at and all of a sudden quarterbacking a football team doesn't look so simple anymore. I think Romo, Rex Grossman and Phillip Rivers are finding that out the hard way.

And I've said it before and I'll say it again: The Falcons would be a better team if Matt Schaub were their starting QB. I just do not trust Mike Vick. And yes, his defense is average and his receivers blow. But I think it says something when a still-raw Vince Young is already a better pocket passer than 6 year vet, Vick. As a fan of a team that will almost certainly be looking for a QB in the off-season, I'd much rather see the Texans make a run at Matt Schaub as opposed to someone like Jake Plummer. Of course, I'd prefer every other person on the planet not named Ryan Leaf over Plummer. Ah, to be a Texan fan. There's still plenty of room left on the bandwagon, boys.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

The Day the Music Died

2006-12-12T23:18:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been almost 48 hours since the day my football soul was ripped out, thrown to the ground and stomped on. So now that I've had a wee bit of time to grieve, I'll try to put Sunday's events in perspective.

This has been the worst season I've ever experienced as a football fan. When I was 5 (and didn't know any better) I cheered for the Cowboys and saw Joe Montana and Dwight Clark turn my super bowl dreams into nightmares. In '93, I witnessed the Oilers fall apart in Orchard Park, New York as an unknown back-up quarterback led the Bills to the greatest comeback ever. But this one takes the cake. Yes, the Texans have doubled their win total from a year ago, but at least last season there was hope. The hope of a number one pick and the accompanying clean slate, star power and excitement. Well, we all know how that turned out. Furthermore, we all knew this day was coming the second Houston announced their deal with not-so-super Mario on draft day eve.

Umm, anyone see Mario Williams?

Watching Vince and Reggie do their thing was no surprise. They're playmakers. That's what they do. And now all of Houston will get to watch them from afar for the next 8-15 years. Meanwhile, we're left with... what exactly? Another top 5 pick? Last year's draft was loaded. It was once in a decade. This year the studs are few and far between. The number one pick will be Brady Quinn, who will go to Oakland and be a bust. Whither the Texans? Troy Smith? Adrian Peterson? An O-lineman NOT named D'Brickashaw? The fact is, Houston still has just as many holes as they possessed as an expansion franchise. We can blame CBS "Insider" Charley Casserly for that. But Coach Kubiak hitched his horse to Mario and in so doing, left the club boring, faceless and the laughing stock/whipping boy of the NFL. The sad thing is that Kubiak is a good coach and the Texans' draft was solid starting with defensive rookie of the year, DeMeco Ryans. But Kubes will forever be remembered as the guy who passed up Vince and Reggie... two guys who would have given Houston the electricity and playmaking ability this club has lacked from day one.

Here's a fun project: Revisit the first 11 picks. Where would Mario go now? Not even top 5. Sure, he's still young and has plenty of time to grow and improve. But will he ever be better than Young, Bush, Leinart, D'Brickashaw, etc? Not bloody likely. I love this game!

Enough Texans' talk. At least I made it through without swearing. That's quite an accomplishment, believe me.

As for the Cowboys, I stil expect them to make their run to the NFC title game, but no further. They're vulnerable to the deep ball??? This is news? I think Santana Moss and every other burner who has torched Dallas would beg to differ. Look, Roy Williams is a linebacker trapped in a safety's body. Great hitter (though not a great tackler), but absolutely pathetic in coverage. Still, in a weak NFC, Dallas is going to have a legitimate shot.

And in the AFC, I still don't trust Marty Schottenheimer come playoff time. No doubt about it, the Chargers are the best team on paper. Their only true weakness is in the secondary, but the pass rush they bring neutralizes that. Yet the January air seems to constrict Marty's throat and I'm not going to trust him until I actually see him lift the Lombardi trophy in the air.

As for AI, I just don't think the Spurs have the pieces to acquire him, Jensen. What would they offer? Ginobili and who else? Besides, I said this before the season started: The Spurs will win it all anyway.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. Sorry to subject you to the misery wrought by the Texans.

An Introduction of sorts...

2006-12-11T21:55:00.000-06:00

You cried when Phi Slamma Jamma fell flat in Albuquerque. You walked around in a catatonic haze for weeks after Kevin Bass flailed away at yet another Jesse Orosco slider in '86. You morphed into Bobby Knight when the Oilers became the patron saints of choke artists on a wintry January day in Orchard Park, New York. And more recently, you prepared yourself for another decade of suffering after Vince Young turned Reliant Stadium into his own personal playground. Welcome home, Houston fans. This blog's for you. We'll wallow in our misery together while dissecting the triumphs (hopefully) and travails of our hometown teams. And for those who couldn't care less about H-Town, we'll regularly expand our horizons and tackle the national sports scene as well. So in the meantime, make yourself at home, read on and know that your thoughts and opinions are always welcome.